Regret

How do I deal with the regret of my poor decision making?

I started dating a man 21 years my senior when I was 19, (he,40yo) and on year 7 I cheated.. we have a small child together with special needs. First 5 years I was head over heels . Year 6/7 not so much . My communication isn’t the best due to my childhood trauma but I do my best. I communicated my needs. His financial situation was in turmoil 6 months into our relationship due to bad business deals so I went into overdrive doing everything I could to keep us afloat while he was just trying to mentally survive everyday. Overtime , he went from the charismatic sweet guy I fell in love with to an angry, impatient, combative man because of what he was going through financially. Certain problem I had in the relationship, I verbalized to him that they needed to change. These problems were the result of his anger. He listened but didn’t really hear me because once it all surfaced that I cheated he said he didn’t think my complaints were that serious and I should’ve made it more clear that it was that serious. He tried to throw polygamy in the mix of our relationship around year 5, asking how I would feel about him having another wife and/or would I try being bisexual because he always knew his “wife” was going to be a bisexual woman. (I’m not bisexual) He also used to be a pimp. Used to dealing with women who don’t care for anything but sex and will take care of him hand in foot. I mention this because he told me in the past that I’m asking him to do more than any other woman has, women usually don’t expect anything from him except his presence and sex. He told me this is supposedly his first real relationship. He said this is different because he actually chose to love me and be faithful.

anyway , during year 7 I had a 2-month fling going on with the maintenance man in my neighborhood. I found a cop-out to my relationship problems. And in the moment, I felt like I was choosing me, I felt like I had met someone who actually heard me and was ready to meet me on the level of love I desired, which I now realize was extremely stupid and selfish, I forgot all about my family unit, our son, how this would affect him, how much I would really hurt my partner although to be honest the behavior displayed up to the point had me under the impression that our relationship didn’t matter that much to him which is apart of what left me to feel insignificant and replaceable and like I didn’t matter much to him.

so two months after I cut the guy off, I told my partner the worst of what happened but not all the details cause he didn’t want to hear it. He said if I would’ve told him everything right then he would unalived me. We agreed we would talk later. A whole year went by and we avoided the conversation because we wanted to stay together so bad. But he got a phone call the other day telling him some stuff about my affair that wasn’t true so I had to finally tell him all the details. As you can imagine I am every worst name in the book now.

Now the self hatred is running rampant. It was bad before but as you can imagine since he knows the full truth it is worse now. I question how I could be so foul😢 to a person I once loved soooo much. I have so much regret about my decision. I wish I would’ve thought to go to couples counseling, or something similar, to save my relationship before I stepped out. I wish I would’ve tried harder. He hates me now. Told me don’t open my mouth and speak around him cause he might snap if he hears my voice. We’re in a house in separate rooms. Still have a son to raise. I feel so filthy, disgusting, disappointed, regretful, every thing bad you can think of I’ve called myself. I still have to work because I have a mouth to feed. I’m trying to look forward to the future but the hurt won’t allow me to see far. He spent the last year throwing what I did in my face any chance he could get, it went from every day to every other hour, he’s back in my face screaming at me about what I did. Interrogating me over and over. Telling me how much he hates me and that I ruined his life and his life is over cause he’ll never find love at age 50, being broke. He said I owe him my life and I guess I do because he could’ve unalived me. I guess I’m just here crying trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and smile again, at least. I don’t have the courage to date again even though he thinks I’m gonna move on quickly. But I’m no good to anybody tbh. I just want to believe that I’m not my mistakes although he tells me that I am, that I’m a ***, that he saved a ***, that he saved me from being violated by another man out here when I should’ve been violated because I’m a bad person who deserves it, that I’m disgusting, so on and forth. Having thoughts of self deletion but my son is the only thing stopping me. I feel like I don’t even deserve to feel hurt but he doesn’t understand, I don’t think anybody understand, that I am grieving my relationship too. The future I thought I would have. My family is ruined and I’ll later in life have to explain why. I’ll never be married or have a happy ending at this point. Last thing I want to do is date and even remotely come close to a situation like this again. No one likes single moms and when I tell them why I’m single they’re gonna treat me like *** too, so no thanks. I’m downing zzz quill just to get a few hours rest before I’m woken and haunted by my thoughts again. Laying in bed all day letting depression beat me down. He’s also depressed and angry and crying and randomly lashing out on me all day. We are both a mess. How do I hold my head up ever again?? How do I keep going?? People say forgive yourself but how???? Help