First post

I’ve never done this before and I was a little hesitant to do this. I typed out a whole paragraph yesterday to post but stopped myself after rethinking. I’ve been struggling a lot and I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. I’ll start off by saying I lost my very close friend. She dropped me basically because of my mental health. It hurt and I was upset but it didn’t last long because the day after, my cousin died. Her viewing was today. I saw her and she looked beautiful but I could tell it just wasn’t her. I’m heartbroken over this and I don’t know how to help myself. Ive also been struggling with relationship issues. I have someone Im talking to, but I struggle with trust because my last relationship was life threatening. The guy I talk to now makes dark jokes and I take things like that seriously since what happened. They scare me. I told him and he stopped which is good and I don’t know why I can’t get over it. He’s a great guy and helps me. I ended up in the hospital over that relationship. I don’t wanna end up like that again. I’m starting to feel like that everyday and it makes me more anxious thinking about how I may become that way again. I never wanna feel like that again. Today was the viewing of my cousin and it was so hard. I felt like I had to go see her since Ive only saw her once since she was 2 months old. I told her bye and it was just one of the worst things Ive had to experience. Ive worked really hard to devote my life to God and since this Ive just felt distant from him. He was my only comfort and it hurts that as of now I can’t comfort myself in his words. I really just want to find a reason for this happening but I can’t. I feel so terrible for my uncle and aunt. Today, even though it probably wasn’t a good idea, I told my dad about my relationship because I wanted to get everything off my chest. He was angry and didn’t support it. He was gonna take me out of school and take my phone. I cant lose another person. Even though he says things that scare me, he’s helped me so much through this hard time. I’ve already lost so much I can’t lose anymore. I feel myself losing hope in life. I also have to go back in person to school. I went online due to some issues in the past. I have to go back soon and I’m very anxious. When I went online I noticed a lot of my friends becoming distant. So I feel alone in the sense of having someone to talk to. I just try to distract myself but I end up thinking about everything that has happened and I get anxious and honestly the feeling is unbearable. I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with this feeling everyday. I just hope someone can help or talk to me on here. I don’t know what else to do because my mom knows everything and is there for me but I still feel hopeless.