Feeling lost ...again

Trying this for the first time. Have been feeling terrified more and more these days.

Afraid to be alone, afraid to try and meet people. Afraid of dying and afraid of living. Afraid of talking to someone and afraid of being silent. Afraid I'm going insane or completely justified. Afraid I'll fade away and forgotten.

Each time the fear comes more and more. I've had bad things in my life since I was young, coupled with things I've done to sabotage myself and constantly trying to think how I can stop myself. I look in the mirror and feel disgust at what I see, a 40+ overweight, jobless, disabled broken man staring back.

I'm so lost I'm starting to be unsure or myself am I truly disabled or just making excuses? If the are excuses how can I get myself out of this hole? Can I go back to work knowing I'm terrified of taking an interview, working with people? I'm feeling less and less connected to my last family members. I start conversations because I feel I will be forgotten and then I'm terrified that I will say something wrong.

I'm even frightened with typing this, constantly fighting with myself to not delete it, fearing if I do I will fade away and fearing the responses I might see that would validate that I am the coward I think I am becoming or have already been like this from the start. Am I doing this to try to help myself or worse is it all in my head and I'm trying to invoke pity to make myself feel better.

All I feel is lost and afraid. I'm even afraid to know the answers to what I am actually feeling. Yes I am going to apologize for posting this because again I don't even know what I'm actually wanting from this.