I need a listener who can help me break out of my shell.
Talking to people is scary for me, even online. I'd really like someone who can help me find my voice and maybe convince me to not run away at the first sign of a conversation. I had one listener who was very kind and helpful, but even then I kind of fled the chat rather quickly and haven't had the guts to start up another. I want terribly to get over this. It's completely taking over my life, and I don't know what to do about it. I really need help x.x
Hey there :) I used to be like you.. I hated conversations because I had such anxiety and didn't know what to say. Why are you so afraid of talking to people?
I don't really know. I don't know how to react or what to say, and mostly I just get overlooked, or maybe I feel like what I say isn't important enough to express. I'm so soft-spoken that I feel like I might as well not say anything at all.
I TOTALLY understand what you're goimg through! I myself feel like no one really cares when I say anything and that they judge me. When people talked to me I got so scared because I felt like if I said the wrong thing they wouldn't like me. What feelings do you have when you're in a social situation that makes you anxious? I may have some advice for you
Ah, it's similar to what you've described. Mostly, I'm worried I won't be understood and that I'll come off sounding unlike myself while trying to express what I mean in terms that the person will get. Maybe I overthink what I'm trying to say. All that focus on not messing up ends up messing me up.
Same! My problem was overthinking what to say and I still struggle with it, but honestly you don't need to worry hun. :)
If you think about it, conversation is totally improvised...improv theater. But I was surprised to learn that improvtheater actually can be taught...that there are plenty of rules. Kids are taught to talk but not necessarily taught to converse. So it can be scary to jump in. You aren't alone! There are actually some great books on how to start a conversation and keep it going...Leil Lowndeshas one and there are MANY. They help you figure out what to say and when.
You know, it's funny. I have so much fun when I'm in an acting situation. I have no problem being other people; it's trying to be myself that seems to give me trouble. I think joining an improv group would be incredibly beneficial to me, if only I could work up the courage to sign myself up.
Sometimes we all need a wingman...a friend who goes with us to do stuff that's a leap. They don't even have to be there...I have a dear friend I talk to before and after challenging stuff...I get a text withan attagirl you can do it going in and a high five when I finish whatever it was. And when he's not available I use imaginary, famous people to give me a pep talk and hang out invisibly. Silly but it helps. I can get through anything when Attila the Hun tags along....
If you think about it, conversation is totally improvised...improv theater. But I was surprised to learn that improvtheater actually can be taught...that there are plenty of rules. Kids are taught to talk but not necessarily taught to converse. So it can be scary to jump in. You aren't alone! There are actually some great books on how to start a conversation and keep it going...Leil Lowndeshas one and there are MANY. They help you figure out what to say and when.
What I have to say is, don't worry about what others think. When you're talking with someone, just go for it. Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out, honestly, I want to see you be brave :) . I know it can be tough but it works most of the time. I want you to look at yourself and think about how amazing and beautiful you are. Now list all of the things that make you, you. Think about all of the things that you adore about yourself. When you find out who you really are, I want you to let those good traits SHINE when you're in a conversation. So you said you are soft spoken. Im not saying be as loud as you can, but I challenge you to say what you want to say as loud as you can in conversations (not too loud, lol) for a couple of days. Don't care what others think, because their opinions DONT matter. You are an amazing person :) and I know that once you get confidence you wont have this problem anymore
Gah. I'm not an emotional person by any means, but your post has tears welling up in my eyes. I don't know why. You're so understanding and patient, and I'm not used to that. Thank you for being so helpful :)
Aww now you're making me get tears in my eyes :'). You're so very welcome! I understand what you are dealing with and I know how much it sucks which is why I am determined to try my best to help you.
Haha, Sara Bareilles and "Brave". :p Very appropriate.
And sorry to sort of take up a spot in this conversation, I just wanted to join in for a bit.
Maybe this is just me, but from my personal experience, trying to be "myself" just leads to me overthinkingeverything even more. So I guess another thing that's possible, is you could try imagining what the person you're talking to is thinking.
Because it's possible they're just as scared. I know I get really anxious talking to members all the time. Listeners are people too. They're also flawed. They can be kind and helpful but don't put anyone on a pedestal. We're the same as you.
Not everyone will understand. But there will be people who do, evidence in this thread right here. :p Don't get hung on feelings of judgment.The only thing that matters in the moment is that you can say what you need to.
Maybe write down a few things that you want to talk about? Just so that you won't feel like you'recompletely unprepared.
You've already done a wonderful job of expressing yourself. The first step can be the hardest to take, but maybe once you've gotten through one conversation, it won't be as scary for you anymore. And if you keep going, well more practice never hurts. :)
And I should clarify, I do believe that you will find your voice (because you already seem to have found it here), these just some other options for you to try.
And just starting a conversation, and then finishing it, and then moving on to do another one, and then three more-once you have the momentum, even when there are bumps in the road, I think it's more likely that we'll keep on going, using our past experiences to guide us. :)
So don't hesitate. Taking the first step is important. You can do it, it's not impossible.
Ah, no need to apologise. Your perspective is well-received. You know, I try to convince myself that the people I talk to might be feeling very similar to how I am, but I can't seem to comprehend it when I'm actually talking to them. When they seem to have such a better grasp on what they're saying, even the illusion of their confidence is so intimidating.
That could actually work well, though, writing down some conversational topics. I've never been one for planning things out like that, but it really does make sense. I suppose conversing takes skill, and as with any other skill it would require practice to better yourself with it. Seeing it like that doesn't make it seem so scary, but I guess we'll see what I think when I take that approach in a live conversation. :p
I really appreciate the suggestions :)
Yeah, it's hard trying to imagine another person'shumanity and weaknesswhen their confidence, faked or not, seems to be the mirror image of what we're not. It is intimidating.
Conversation is a sort of skill, and practice can make it easier, but yeah, in the thick of things, I guess the planning sometimes gets thrown out the window. :p And maybe all we can do then is immerse ourselves in the moment and do our best.
Honestly, everything you've said so far, I've loved all of it. You sound like a wise,calm, introspective, and compassionate person (and obviously there's a lot more to you too). I feel like you understand yourself immensely, and that understanding of yourself, in my eyes, makes you seem confident. I understand your fear, but I say this because I think courage isn't the absence of fear, but more of an understanding, acceptance, and mastery of fear. So you're getting there. :)
I believe in you. We all do. It's not easy working past our fears, learning to trust and be confident in ourselves. Time and experience may be the greatest factors here. Go at it at a speed you're comfortable with.You have taken the first step by already reaching out. When you're ready, pick up that shoe and move forward. And then keep walking. And I think, some day, closer than you might think,you'll be running at your pace, confident and sure of yourself in your own way.
You have gotten a lot of good advice. Permit me to off a couple of ideas. I'm not professional, just a fellow sufferer.
First and foremost, try and remember that, perhaps sadly, people don' care about you. Possibly, they care about your hair style, or clothes, or whatever, but not aboutyou. In the United States, "How are you?" has become a trite recognition that you exist. (Personally, I find this sad.) People are narcissistic, only worrying about themselves and how theyare perceived. I'm not sure if I would be noticed if I wore women's underwear on my head! (I'm a fifty year old man. People don't listen to what you have to say, they are merely waiting their turn to say whatthey want to say.
The second, and last piece of advice I'll offer is that you need to be kind and gentle with yourself! Once you begin your journey, you will stumble; we all do! Plan on it. It is inevitable. Just see it as a point to 'start over'.
I won't say "good luck"; it has nothing to do with luck. Be strong. Be courageous. Ask for help if & when you need it.
Mm, I've noticed that a lot. Real and deep discussions are truly becoming an oddity, at least among those I come in contact with. And maybe that's why it's so hard. I want to delve into a chasm whereas most others tend to focus on the type of rock that makes up the surface around it. There's no connection or even an attempt at one.
I suppose I do need to be kinder with myself, though. I will offer my kindest sincerity to anyone in a heartbeat, unconditionally. Maybe I need to throw some of that love my way.
I hope you find people who value deep conversation...Sometimes people need a little bit of small talk to know that they are safe speaking at more personal levels...
And apologies for multiple copies of my message...my phone didn't signal that it'd sent anything.
One more thought...curiosity can carry you...true curiosity to know about the other person and the willingness to listen. When I stopped worrying about what to say and stopped rehearsing it in my head as they talked, then I was able to listen and ask them questions about what they were talking about. Then I'd mention something similar that happened to me and ask them something about it, eg, why does such.... (and questions starting with why and how elicit more than questions that start with do.).
Multiple posts deleted ^_^
