My first intimate with a girl

I met this girl at a nightclub club .. and she made it clear that she’s into girls

we clicked at first

kissed and I like it

I felt it .. it was soo different from kissing a man

and maybe that’s were my problem start

she took me to her place

in the way I sobered up

and when we try to be intimate, I felt nothing

but kept going I thought maybe I would feel it if I focus and be in the moment… she seemed like doing what she always do but I think she was like me didn’t feel it .. I faked it and went to sleep

* it’s been a year

what I’m suffering from now is :

I wasn’t really ready down there and even if iam still i would feel ashamed of my body and how I look specially we did it in the morning and her shades not doing a very good job

so she did so every thing and before that I have no confidence in my body.. she went work early and I pretended to be sleeping until she is gone , and I got out

we talked about how I am and did i arrive safely

then , stupidly I started messaging her like normal .. and I forgot about the rules of one night stand

she blocked me ? But after a few days I tried massaging her to talk about something about that night , she answered me and then said im sorry I blocked you but I felt what happened between us was a mistake.

since that time every time I remembered i feel deep shame and something else I don’t know but it hurts

I felt like an idiot!

how did you put yourself on a situation like this

you knew you are not ready not mentally or physically

but you thought if you were courageous enough you enjoy it

and even if did enjoy it you will feel worse after the rejection.🙃

how I stop feeling like I want to run away every time I remember!