Too much going on at one time. Lost ig??

(Sorry for bad english or typos, im not a native. alot of reading so if anyone wants to read know that. It is kind of my life story so it will be long. I wanted to include everything but my fingers are giving up now so good luck haha.)

hello, i will not take your time and just get straight to the point. Im accually at the lowest point in my life i think (i dont have self harm or suicidal thoughts so dont worry). Just many things have been stuck on my mind at one time, and i have done a list for you if you want to read it.

1. Social anxiety, or anxiety in general.

I have done many not exactly good things in my life. The last one was 3 or 4 years ago when i was just 11/12. I have spoke to a wrong person about someone, next thing i now i got beat up by 20 people at once. Since then every now and then someone even makes up (yes it sounds like im just trying to sa i did nothing wrong, but it its true.) things about me saying something or doing something, just to get me to cry, just to hurt me. I havent engaged in anything in corelation to those people yet thay still want be i think dead. Im constantly looking over my shoulder to see if im safe, im in fear that something will happen to me or my gf for just beeing with me (more in that in 2). I carry a knife, but i want to clarify that i do not intend to harm anyone, or to harm myslef. It is for the purpose of scarring someone away (since in Poland where i live thats rare to se someone with a knife). When im with friends i am scarred to go out of my home, i rather being in another city just to sit at a park then staying in this city that i live in. Moving out isnt possible due to family reasons. I know this isnt going to end since i have basically no one to help me, and i cannot deal with 20 people or so myself. 

2. Wrong time, wrong people, wrong love

I have been in 5 relationships, and im currently in my fifth. The thing is, that it is a long dinstace, since she lives at the other side of the country. We see eachother one time per one or 2 weeks. I know that it may sound not that bad comapred to aome other long distance relationships, but the feeling after the other person leaves back to her home, and not seeing her again for a week just to be happy for a moment and then spiraling down into sadness again, is just killing me. I love her but my doubts and lack of emotions (more on that in 3) keep me from being happy with her. Her past isnt perfect but i belive we can work out some situacions to be better people. i have been in many wrong relationships and belived in love too many times, for most of them to end me crying for help. I begin to feel like im un-lovable no more.

3. The lack of emotions

short one here, i dont feel nothing, besides fear, anger, sadness and de-realization. Maybe i have founnd comfort in my own pain, dunnno. I try to feel something by ingesting (common in my country) alcohol, but it only dose worse.

4. (OPTIONAL, MUCH TO READ) The "side problems, struggles and being lost)

I only have confirmed that i had depression 2 years ago by a mental doctor, but today i feel like it has no only gotten worse, but many more problem arose. Like for example the social anxiety. Besides that i (belive) that i have anger issiues, BPD, addiction, ED, and something along the lines of  not being understood. I wanted to help myself with depression by using substances, the first one was nicotine at the age of 12. It helped me focuse more on myself, understand the flaws and work towards being better (also caffeine). And thats the end of good addictions. A year ago or maybe 1.5 years i have tried to cope with alcohol. It has helped me in the first months, but now i fear that i am addicted to it or will be. If i get the chance to buy alc, i do and drink it in an hour (it is usually like a beer). Now the alcohol dose not help, only breaks the barrier of "not giving a ***" and releases all of the pain and suffering i have gone trough at one time, i just sit there and cry for like 2h non stop. Then we come to weed, about at the begining of this year. I have no intent or doing anything other becouse what i fear the most is ruinning my life with substances. Weed helped a ton, but i dont smoke for about 3 months now since only thing keeping me from alcohol and weed is money. weed is helthier then alcohol and is geniuenly making me feel happy when im with friends. anger issiues are self explainatory. And eating disorder too, i just feel like im to fat ( all the kids in school would make fun of me for that, just like for even existing.), even tho my friends tell me that i am under the recommended weight for my age and height. 

5. MAIN PROBLEM (the thing that is too stuck on my mind to the point icant even think of a solution.)

I am in a relationship and i think about breaking up just for my sanity. But i have a close friend, he is with my long time girl-best friend. The combination of not finding anyone that would fit into my my type idealy, always feeling unloved and unwanted and seeing that she fits perfectly into my type has led me into secretly loving her. I know basically everything about her, i have been trough her relationships, we usually talk about life and *** for like 3h and i just know that she is understanding the same things the same as me. There are however some things wrong with this. First of all, she is with my best friend and i wouldnt be able to do something like that to him, he is one of my 2 homies and this is not an option to do something like this to him. Secondly, i have with her bestfriend at the begining of this year, which she told me if anything she wouldnt do it becouse of her (i know that becouse while on april fools she wasnt with anyone, same as me, and she wanted to kiss someone like badly. So i said only for a "JOKE" that i want too and if she knows what i mean). We have spent alot of time toghether, and i just cant escape this thought of being with her. If anything she would be the last becouse i have no more energy for relationships. I think im just some type of crazy-*** up guy that even thought about it. Can someone please help me or give me sugestions on what should i do?

Thank you for reading this (if anyone is), and i hope someone can just sugest me smth. Love for everyone.