Caring for an aging toxic parent

Providing care for an aging parent can be difficult under the best circumstances.Providing care for my mother is unimaginably horrible. The toxic ways of my family that I ran from by moving out as soon as I turned 18 are worse and leaving is more complicated.

One of the more difficult problems is, dad left a significant amount of money for mom when he died. I sat in on a meeting mom had with dads financial guy and the way it was set up, she could have lived comfortably until well into her 90's without needing to touch the principal amount. The way he explained it and the numbers that were in the accounts she could maintain the lifestyle her and dad had when they were both generating income but she could retire so would not need to work. It all sounded good but my youngest sister and eventually her oldest daughter managed to talk mom out of a lot of cash and now she's broke.

It's bad enough that she is broke but she denies that she gave anything to them and says it's nobody business what she does with her money. While a drunk and her teen flew around the county on moms dime, the other three of us are physically here helping mom with whatever she needs and couldn't get paid if we wanted to. Little sister stopped visiting when the money ran dry and has never helped out in any way. I'm about at my wits end and the only reason I stick around is because she would sell the house and give the last of her assets to little sis.

Mom recently had hip surgery so has been away for a couple of weeks at a care facility. While there, my little sister decided to visit mom. Mom was all excited and happy that she visited and she paid her for it. She didn't want the rest of us to know but we know and are angry. All she has to live on is her retirement check for 1500 monthly. There is no extra money for anything. There are things that need to be repaired on the farm and I do the work for free but ask that she buy the materials.

I talked to someone at the state level asking if anything my sister or her kid have done could be considered elder abuse. She put me in contact with a dim witted county social worker who told me this just looks like a mother helped out one of her children and the other three are jealous. It is not a small amount of money we are talking about. It's more like hundreds of thousands. I'm not worried about not getting anything when mom dies. I'm angry because I can't so much as ask for a few buck to buy some lumber and fix her stuff. No compensation, not much for thanks. Just too broken to walk away and let mom sit in the mess she made alone.

My two older sisters seem to be doing better then me. That may be because they both drink daily. The oldest one lives a few miles away so isn't around for the day to day stuff but will come running if we need her. I am a complete train wreck at this point. I had hoped to heal the wounds of the past because dad and I had some unresolved crap I wish we could have cleared up before he died. Shortly before his death he explained how much of a disappointment I was to him and he wished he could have taught me more as a kid. His teaching style was telling me how to do something once then yelling at me for doing it wrong and redoing what i did. He wanted me to be like him but I wanted to be around for my kids. Sure dad was a better worker than me but I am a much better father and if I died today, my kids would know I loved them and were proud of them.

I might have had a question when I stated this post but it pretty much turned into a venting session. Rather than any specific questions maybe anyone who has advise for dealing with this and surviving this with a little bit of sanity, I would greatly appreciate it.