Toxic family issues

I don't even know where to begin but I am stuck and have no idea what to do or where to start. I will use the word toxic because there has been no diagnosis of NPD. Based on my parents behaviors and actions along with the list of symptoms my sisters and I have dealt with and are still dealing with well into adulthood, all signs point to narcissistic abuse. My older sisters experienced physical and emotional abuse and my other sister and myself dealt with emotional abuse. The older ones were considered to be lying problem kids so it was never called abuse.

The short version is, from the outside my family was great. My parents were liked and respected in the community and often we were told how lucky we are to have them. I was drinking and experimenting with drugs and alcohol by age 12 and in trouble with the law and in a dark place by 16. I was scared and confided in my mother that I needed help or I would end up dead. She dismissed my cries for help and shamed me for not thinking of her and dad and what people would think if I did something that stupid. Guilt and shame kept me from taking action but that is no way to live.

Shortly after that I dropped out of school, got a job and got my girlfriend pregnant by age 17 and was married with a daughter living in a crappy little trailer house by age 18. I was too busy and too broke to continue with the alcohol and drugs and I had big dreams of doing better and being better than my parents. Life was filled with ups and downs and we had a second daughter a few years down the road. Dad remained too much of an influence in my life and he had a way of destroying any self confidence I managed to gain. As it turns out, my wife was a cute blonde version of both my parents. She used my insecurities to keep me under control. Constant accusations and threats and on and on. I refused to leave but the reality is, I somewhat believed that I was lucky to have her and leaving would destroy me.

When I discovered her last affair and confronted her, she flipped things around to it being my fault and she demanded I pack up and move out and said the papers would be coming soon. I was crushed and accepted my role as the broken one at fault and let her keep all we had worked for in our 18 years together. By that time our oldest daughter was 18 and angry at the world especially me so at first she refused to visit me. My youngest got to stay with me every weekend. Things got better between my oldest daughter and I and she told me that being away from her mother was good for me. She said I seem happier. I did see a counselor to help me cope and she helped but I couldn't afford to continue long term. I was doing better and even though I went through a period of turning to booze to not feel my feelings and lost my job, life seemed better. It was a good paying job that I absolutely hated anyway. Life still had ups and downs, dad still chipped away at my self esteem, I dated the wrong people but relationships were short lived as I am now terrified of commitment.

So here I am, 18 years later and single because I decided I needed to work on me before bringing someone else into my weird world. I was making a financial comeback and doing better than ever on that front. When dad died from lung cancer it was hard on me because I wanted to patch things up with him before then. I quit trying to get his approval about 5 years after his death. I was in a better place but still felt like I had failed. Then mom had a heart attack. She survived but she knew she would need help because she wanted to continue living in the home her and dad built until the end. My sister moved in with her to help out but she had started drinking again and mom asked if I would consider locking my place up and moving in the old home to help out. I really didn't want to but she seemed so desperate and pleaded with me and eventually I agreed to clean out the basement and moved in the lower level.

Turns out, in the toxic family roles, I'm the fixer/caregiver/people pleaser who occasionally gets to be the scapegoat. While being the caregiver mom said she needed help managing the finances because she was running out of money. She gave me online access to monitor and watch her account and what I found was disturbing. The golden child little sister and her oldest who also gets golden status were bleeding her dry financially. When I showed mom the statements and the amounts they were getting from her she accused me of lying and picking on them. I guess that is where my codependency took over. I kept trying to stop the flow of money but it got worse. My niece convinced mom to give her copies of her ssi card and drivers license and she started opening accounts and buying cars with moms credit.

Now here is where I really need advise. I have once again let my work and my finances take a beating and I am a depressed mess with debilitating anxiety who can't seem to get things together enough to leave the craziness. When I try getting my life back in order, I am struck with overwhelming guilt and shame for giving up on mom. The rules for helping mom are basically fix everything but never say a bad word or point out the crimes of the golden ones. So I end up half trying to find a solution for her and half trying to get my business back making money and am crippled by the guilt of failing. I know I am going to need therapy and things from 50 years ago are going to have to be resolved to fix the problems of today and it is all so overwhelming. I am still sober but booze never caused problems as bad as this. I find myself being sarcastic and treating mom the way she treats my older sisters and I. That is not who I want to be but she insults the sister that does help her while praising the ones who took advantage of her codependent narcissistic enabling. I know recovery will probably involve giving up on mom and leaving her to suffer the consequences of the mess she made. It breaks my heart to think of that but she has proven time and time again that she does not care about any of us beyond what we can do for her.

I was broken as a child and took that baggage into adulthood without knowing enough to fix me. I allowed myself to get sucked back in to the madness thinking time would change things and I could prove to at least one of my parents that I was good enough. I don't know if I am or not but it's obvious I am not good enough in her eyes.

Sorry for the long post. Any advise or guidance would be greatly appreciated.