Starting a family while ending a relationship...
My baby turns one month old tomorrow and my partner as of last night has told me to leave him alone as we do not have a relationship and he will do everything he can to get away from me. After disappearing for like 6hrs to distract himself and get away from me, he came home and wouldn't even face me, shut the door to the second bedroom saying I will need to get used to parenting alone. When our baby was first born, he was rushing home from errands not wanting to miss a moment. He now has not even laid eyes on either of us for over 24hrs and after leaving this afternoon, I have not heard from him nor do I know if he's coming home.
So here I am with a newborn who cries about as much as I do... Who needs constant attention. They say ask for help and build up a support network, but I don't want to let my family and friends know what is going on in my relationship (or lack thereof) because it would ruin any chance of them forgiving him if ever we work things out. I think maybe the newborn crying constantly got to him and he blamed me for being unable to keep the baby calm and therefore proving I am not trustworthy. He says he needs me to change - to become a more confident person, who doesn't shrink out of fear and guilt but stays consistent with my goals. To him, saying ill do something (like improve my overall character and become courageous and more communicative) and not following through consistently has made me a liar who ruined his life.
I have my flaws and accept that despite my best efforts and promises to change my personality, I couldn't keep my commitment to consistently choosing to defeat my fearful nature. Letting myself feel guilty and meek when I fail is an unattractive quality I am working on changing but it's a process. Also it sucks to feel so stressed and lost with being a new mom and feeling so sleep deprived and clueless...
This is a long rant, I know. It just feels good to say it out loud versus broadcasting to my friends and family who I can't ask to come visit or help without making it known that I will likely need to figure out how to be a single mother. A crazy stubborn part of me wants to protect his reputation so we can work things out without my whole side of the family losing faith in him.
@habbymama
I have a one month old too. So I know where you're at. I can totally relate to your situation and I just want to encourage you to get support. You really need it and you can't suffer on your own because you're protecting your partners reputation. I've done that before and it doesn't work.
I protected my partner for years and when I finally had enough and really needed my family's support, nobody really understood the years of abuse I had gone through. They even took his side sometimes.
Point is, you just went through an entire pregnancy, the excruciating experience of giving birth (whether natural or c section), you're a new mom doing the best you can when you are so sleep-deprived, hormonal and still recovering from the delivery. With this alone, you really do need support. On top of it all, you have your relationship problems to deal with. It's a lot. Get help. Right now is not the time to feel guilty for not meeting those goals and not keeping the promises you made. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just try to focus on you and your baby.
I hope your partner will come around on his own. I guess I could say find small ways to motivate him to want to be better for you guys. Don't nag. Some men can't cope well under this kind of pressure and they somehow shift the blame to you. Lower your expectations a bit, try to encourage him to spend time with the baby when the baby is not very fussy. Encourage them to bond. Then recognize his efforts. You could easily just feel the hurt he's causing you and want to give up, you have that right... but if this is not his normal behavior, he's just coping with the new environment and he might be dealing with things you don't know about.
I really wish you the best. Stay strong mama.
