Past sibling bullying
When I was a kid through to mid teens my younger brother bullied me pretty viciously, I wasn't abused or ever seriously injured but it was very much he enjoyed causing me pain (physical and psychological/emotional) and whilst I mostly fought back I was rarely the instigator or enjoyed hurting him back. I just wanted to be left alone and in peace. I was always told it was just sibling rivalry and that I should ignore him and he'd leave me alone (course he didn't). I had an otherwise easy childhood and my parents were caring and attentive but I feel so let down by them never properly stopping my brother? What should it even matter that they saw it as 'normal sibling rivalry'? I was in a lot of distress and they didn't make a real effort to stop it. Part of me really wants to confront them about the sibling bullying, mostly because when I think about it now (19) I end up sobbing so clearly it's still affecting me but I'm terrified I'll be told I'm being melodramatic or something else dismissive which will be more damaging. The one serious conversation I remember addressing the conflict when I was a kid, my mum told me that her and my dad had discussed me going on a "self-confidence" course! Did anyone else have something like this in their childhood? Has anyone tried to address this or something similar with their parents as an adult? (I know people have had far worse experiences with siblings and I've not got a mental illness from it but it still really hurt)
@charliedelitescit
Hello Charlie! I'm sorry that you have to go through such a hard time growing up with a brother like that. I understand how difficult it must be to want to speak but the fear or not being listened to by your parents makes it harder to deal with. After going through what you went through, it only makes sense that you would experience some struggle in trying to overcome it. It's that you have never gotten over it or got the healing that you needed. And I know that it doesn't make it easier because you are still dealing with it. I think it is a very common thing to experience this kind of behavior with siblings
@charliedelitescit
Hi Charlie, Sorry to hear of all that you have had to deal with and are still dealing with. I find myself in a similar situation. My slightly brother has bullied me since I can remember. I can't remember when I first felt hate for him. As a child I fought back, verbally and physically. I have never in my life been physically violent with anyone or thing except our childhood fights (almost always instigated by him). At about 11 I was sick of this and tried to talk to him and explain that I didn't want to have to deal fights or putdowns anymore and ask him to stop. He didn't, so I just stopped participating. Through our teens and early twenties we had a very toxic relationship. I thought we were friends and always made excuses for him and laughed it off, all while he was getting pleasure from humiliating me on purpose, putting me down, lying to paint me in a bad light. As an adult, things got worse. He would lean on me for support in practical and emotional ways and never offer any in return. A few years ago I went through a very prolonged traumatic experience. He used this as an excuse to escalate his bullying, to the point where I had to cut contact. Since then he has been systematically telling lies to all of my other family members, turning the tables and trying to paint me as the aggressor instead of the victim. Inventing stories about him trying to make peace and make it up to me and I how I am the one who is causing a rift in the family. I have good relationships with my other family members, yet many of them clearly believe him. I feel isolated and don't know how to cope.
@charlie how have thing developed for you with your brother since you posted this? How do you feel about how things have or haven't changed?
I wanted to write you a private message but I can't. Maybe it's because I'm new here.
Hope to hear back from you
@charliedelitescit
Hi Charlie! Growing up in that environment must have been really hard for you and scary to know that your parents were on your brother’s side. It was really brave of you to speak out as a child and it must’ve really hurt when your feelings were brushed aside. Enduring that type of relationship with not only your siblings but your parents too sounds like it can be really draining. It makes sense that you would still be feeling emotions from those times as they sound like they were very crucial moments in your life.
Hope you are able to find some time to take care of yourself and listen to your needs.
I can relate. My sister bullied me and my mom never intervened. I may have mentioned it once it twice (mother was physically abusive and emotionally invalidating but doesn't see herself this way), and was told to fight back. I think many, many parents mistake bullying for sibling rivalry.
As an adult, I asked my Mom why she didn't stop there bullying. She didn't say a word. She refused to believe my sister was a bully and flat out said that my sister dotes on me, then gave examples to support this perspective. So, my feeling were dismissed. I can understand your fear; it is quite painful. But it is also the limitation of the the other, not you.
Perhaps it might help to refer them to some literature on the differences between bullying and sibling rivalry. In my case it didn't make a difference, my family is origin is quite comfortable seeing me as the sensitive, unstable one.