How a Difficult relationship with my mother

I used to think of my mom as a codependent, controlling, narcissistic women. But now I feel touched as I grow older and putting myself on her shoes instead of evilizing her and victimizing myself.

I feel very ashamed by myself for not being able to get ahead in life and I often feel like a dead-weights, a burden towards my mom and the rest of my family. 

Both of my parents are already retired age and I feel a strong sense of responsibility that it's time for me to get ahead in life. 

The issue is sometimes I have so much resistance towards my parents and specifically my mom.