Holidays and traditions

This is maybe an odd situation, but I need help feeling my way through it. My mother had a horrible childhood, with an abusive father (who she still idolises 😓). She has had lifelong mental health issues and is probably neurodiverse.

Since I had children, and she kindly helped care for them as babies, she really over inserted herself into my family life in terms of traditions and celebrations. She made all the children birthday cakes, which was lovely, but I really wanted to make them, so the children would end up with multiple cakes as my in-laws always got them one too.

Because my mother is a hoarder, I have hosted Christmas at my house since I moved out, but my mother was always controlling and telling us how things should be done . She would spend hours sewing the children advent bags and filling them with decorations for them to hang on the Christmas tree, so for three children, that gave 72 decorations each year - like she was decorating my space from a distance. Of course she was very offended if she couldn't see her things on display. I know all these things are echoes of her own wounding.

This year my mother had a major psychotic episode and has moved into residential care at the age of 82. For the first time in my adult life I am in a position to really take stock and think with my family about how I want our own traditions to be - and I don't know where to begin. I realise my whole life has been facilitating my mother's wishes, and now know it as co-dependency / enmeshment.

How can I free myself ? I am realising my whole life has been framed through trying to meet my mother's needs, and I don't even know what my own needs and wants are, and I'm 47!