Emotionally immature mom

Hello!

So I'm writing this because I'm tired. Like really tired of how my mum treats me. After having done some research on her behavior I believe that she is just an emotionally immature and unavailable parent, but this affects me a lot - especially now during adulthood.

My mum is caring and she provides for everything I need, she tries to be better than her mum who is a complete *** (I'm sorry for those words, but my grandma used to be terrible to my mum and I'll always be angry at her for that) and therefore I understand that my mum struggles with mental health and might not know how to emotionally respond to conflicts and fights, but I am definitely suffering under it.

I was a very polite, determined and ambitious child and teenager, bringing home good grades, never getting into trouble, never having been in a relationship until the age of 19 and never being disrespectful. She always found something though to be mad about. I remember that whenever I would spill a glass of water on accident she'd yell at me. I remember that she gave me the silent treatment at random times and never explaining why though I asked - I still don't know why.

She often says she's a bad mum and that I always picture her as the "villain", she also said that if she were to die of a heartattack it was because I was putting her through so much distress.

I am similar to my father who she hates and she does not miss a chance to tell me "oh you're just like your father and I hate him" - therefore I assume she hates me just as much. Well, I am pretty much aware now at 20 years old that this behavior is in no way acceptable (especially since I was 13-17 around that time) and therefore did a lot of inner work on myself to let myself heal and not be affected too much by my mother. Ever since I started to set boundaries and gain confidence in my own emotions my mum and I got closer because I was ready to show vulnerability eventhough this is what she used to hold against me.

It went well for a while and I remember being the happiest person alive that I finally made my mum to like me - but apparently that only lasted for a while. I believe she misses me being a little girl and therefore can't deal with me being an adult now. She still gives me the silent treatment often times, insults me (she used to tell me my smile is ugly and that I should stop doing that or that I gained weight during puberty because I got stretch marks or that my skin is ugly because I have a skin condition and suggested me to not wear t-shirts that would show said skin condition during summer)

I know my mum loves me but she doesn't like me.

And it really really hurts a *** lot and I feel as if eventhough I am working on myself she has *** me up a little for adulthood. I struggle forming emotional connections with people, but as I said I am actively working on it to not be a mum just like she is one day.

I just needed to get this off my mind and if anyone has a similar story to share then pls do. If u have any suggestions as well, I'm glad to hear about them, I know how hard this is and I am very certain that my experience is nowhere near unique - you're definitely not alone :)