Irregular Recovery

I've reached a point where I know that I either need to seriously work towards recovery or accept where i've put myself, because it isn't going to get better without work. The issue is I sometimes find myself wholeheartedly wanting to recover, and other times I find myself so scared of recovery that the thought disgusts me. I need advice on how to get my mind on the track of recovery. All of the "setting meal plans" and "logging food" doesn't work because it just causes me to restrict more. I don't have the self control to eat a normal amount for a sustainable amount of time and I need help getting around that.