TW: Eating Disorder Rant

This post really does get into some triggering thoughts of mine and some triggering situations and habits. Please don’t read this if you are searching for help. This was a rant, it really will not help you if you are looking for support.

If you do read this, thank you for listening to me and I wish you the best.

I have always struggled with body image and insecurities. But sometimes I will be completely okay and be able to eat normally, and then it plummets and I will not be able eat for weeks. I haven’t eaten correctly in almost a week and a half. I have gone three days without eating anything at all, but the other days I have very small snacks so that I do not get headaches or pass out.

I feel like my family is encouraging it. I finally talked myself in to going to the kitchen and getting a bagel, a bagel would be the biggest thing I have eaten recently. I was proud of myself, but when I went in the kitchen my dad saw me and he said “Maybe you should’ve eaten dinner.” I just put the bagel back and quietly went to my room. I heard my mom lecture him and say “Do you want her to go hungry?” and he said “Maybe she should go hungry if she can’t eat dinner with us.”

This hurt me because now the phrase “Maybe she should go hungry.” continues to repeat in my head. I am really hungry, but at the same time I am not hungry at all. And I realized I am fine without food. I feel like the taste isn’t worth the calories and the fat.

I am truly not over weight, but I would like to have a flat stomach and less fat arms. Then I would be happy with myself. I have tried working out, but I never have had the motivation for it, and I can’t go to a real gym so I have always been stuck at home doing home workouts.

Anyways, I just want to be happy with myself. Thanks for reading this, and whatever you are going through I hope it gets better soon.