I want to not think about food :(

i don’t restrict food drastically but I also don’t eat enough so I feel safe. I have safe foods I always go to and know the calories in most things. I’ve tied my worth to wanting to be really skinny for years. And then every few weeks I end up binging usually it’s triggered when I go through spells of feeling sad lonely or even bored. I moved away from home 6 months ago and I really miss my friends and family, when I’m alone by myself to long I usually end up binging on food as I’ve time to really think about my life and then I get scared I’m not making the right decisions or not on the right path etc. I’ve never been happy with my body image I’ve always wanted to just be smaller. When I go through phases of restricting and being distracted I feel most happy, that’s when I think I’m really fine but then it always ends up getting bad again and I just have panic attacks and break down. I’ve been going through this cycle for a few years now and I’m so fed up and tired of it yet I still have as much as a desire to be stick thin. I wish I had space to think about different things - beneficial things.. I feel like I’m suffocating and have no purpose to my life a lot of the time. I’m so lost idek what this message will do as I only downloaded it. But yea everything is just really awful, plus I have covid so can’t even see anyone here.