Am I in denial? I don't even think I belong here.

I never got diagnosed with an eating disorder, just "disordered eating." And I never officially got it treated, I still haven't. It started about a year and a half ago. I did do some extreme restricting, for short periods of time, but this is where I'm at now.

I don't religiously count every calorie any more, I don't restrict myself to extremes like I used to, I'm not jump-roping for hours outside. I stopped my weird liquid diet and I eat real food when presented the opportunity. I'll eat pretty much anything if I'm hungry for it (and it fits into my general calorie limit, which isn't as low as it was. I'm just watching my weight. It's healthy to watch your weight, to be aware of what you're eating...right?).

Okay, maybe I still have an extreme fear of gaining weight. But I'm not completely dedicating myself to losing it anymore. Sure, I weigh myself twice a day, and if the number goes up I'll keep that in mind my next meal...but I'm not dangerously thin. I'm at an average weight. My BMI is healthy, a little on the low side (a LITTLE) but healthy. I just DON'T want to gain weight. Isn't that normal?

I'm okay with the weight I'm at. I mean sure, I wouldn't mind being thinner, a lot thinner...but that's fine. Even if I'd like to be underweight, I'm not desperate to get there, I'm not taking extreme actions to get there. I'm normal. I'm fine.

I mean I'm not sure. All I know is I'm not THAT BAD. I don't have a "real" eating disorder. I have very distorted body image, a fear of gaining weight, and some restrictive tendencies...but I'm not in a hospital, emancipated and on the brink of death. I'm definitely not a walking skeleton.

I'm severely depressed, I'll admit that. But my depression can't be from my eating issues. My "eating issues" aren't even that terrible. Depression is something else. I refuse to believe that my eating affects it. Maybe I'm ignorant?

Okay, maybe I refuse to eat three meals a day. But that's just not the way I do things. I eat when I feel like it. I eat what I feel like eating. Eating, to me, is the one thing I have to control...

Alright...maybe that's not healthy. Maybe that's not a good way to think.

But it's not ruining my life...I don't think.

I'm not super malnourished or anything, just low on a few vitamins. I need treatment for depression, not a nonexistent eating disorder. I don't want my eating adressed at all, because I think it's fine. I'm fine. I mean, I'm not fine, but I just don't want to deal with this.

I don't even know what's going on...I just know I'd feel stupid walking into an eating disorder treatment center. I'm too big.

Tldr; I probably have some issues but I don't think it's enough to warrent eating disorder treatment.