Forum Discussion: Understanding Anorexia (Day 3, free glitter!!)
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It's really hard to put into words what anorexia is for me. Everyone's definition is different <3
There's alot of hurtful stigma where people think anorexia is when someone chooses to stop eating and is stubborn about food. What people don't know is that when you have anorexia you didn't wake up one morning and say I'm restricting today and voil you has a eating disorder. Anorexia is something that takes a long time to develop and that's why recovery takes even longer. Because you don't have a support system you start to rely on unheathly rules.These rules can be about appearance, perfectionism, eating, food, study habits, purging rituals, and exercise rules...The list starts off small and then gets bigger and bigger as you fall deeper into anorexia. Rules make you feel comfort because rules are safe and stable. You have rules for everything.
Also there's so many other hidden issues with anorexia. There's stigma that people think it's only about wanting to be thin and about fearing food. The truth is it's way more complicated. It's about numbing pain, numbing feelings, and self harm. Depression, anxiety, trauma, and OCD play a part in why you developed anorexia. Sometimes it's about wanting to get so thin that you disappear and it's not always about your looks. You feel unworthy of everything. Your family ignores you and you keep your feelings hidden because they don't matter to anyone. You take care of other people and forget to take care of yourself.
Also, anorexia has alot in common with other EDs. There's two types of anorexia the restricting only type and the purge/binge type. You can cycle between the two types. Anorexia makes you super focused on calories, portions, food types, meal times, and burning off calories. For me, I never feel good enough in school so I want to look perfect to make up for it and be a top athlete. I obsess about healthy foods and fitness. Anorexia happens to alot of athletes because you are driven to improve yourself and can take it too far. Anorexia makes you google thinspo for hours and exercise late at night when your family is asleep.
You did your first diet at 10 years old because your dad made your older sister write her calories down on the fridge. He praised you for being thin and mocked your older sister for her weight. You thought it was your fault. You tried to protect your older sister by adding your name to the paper and writing your calories down next to hers. You started comparing numbers and turned it into a competition because secretly you try to win at everything. #perfectionism You didn't compete against her you competed against yourself. Unhealthy you says self control tastes better than food.
You become so focused that you get stuck. The anxiety part stops you from moving forward. It makes you have tunnel vision. The ED voice in your head is the biggest meanie pie and at the same time is your only friend. You lie to everyone about everything, "I'm fine!" because you think everyone is lying to you. You push people away because your feelings are broken. Identifying emotions is super hard. You have to knock down a big wall to let people in and learn how to trust again. You get mad because nobody trusts you but you also can't trust your disordered thinking.
Even in recovery you have bad days with anorexia, days when the unheathly you talks louder than the healthy you. You didn't choose anorexia, however you can choose recovery. Your family and friends get mad because you make progess and fall back. You don't want to hurt them on purpose. People think you're selfish and self centered but you are trying not to burden other people with your feelings. Your eating disorder effects everyone around you.
Anorexia is exhausting, it's cold, it's lonely, it's dark, it's dangerous...
You have anorexia but you aren't anorexic!
@summertimeSamness
Anorexia can definitely be a handful, unfortunately 
It can be extremely hard due to all of the stigma around it and around ED's in general, as well as having the pressure to "fit in" or be the "best" as a teen especially (or for an adult for that matter). However, I know just as with any trial, once anorexia is overcame, it makes us such a stronger person. Not only physically as you gain your strength back through recovery, but also mentally because once recovery has been reached you'll know how to handle tough times such as other mental health issues. I know a saying for a Tourette's Syndrome newsletter slogan, I may have Tourette's, but Tourette's doesn't have me, and I think the similar can be said for anorexia and ED's in general 
You may deal with anorexia, but anorexia doesn't have you!
@summertimeSamness
what an amazing reply! thank you so much for putting this out there, you are so brave (: i love how you showed the way anorexia could be developed from such a small situation that just grew and grew. it's not easy to overcome, but i'm sure you can do it. recovery isn't a smooth path and it's easy to break down and tire out along the way, but you just have to keep going! you can do this (:
@summertimeSamness
Woaw I honestly can't describe what anorexia is better than what you did, your description is truly amazing!
@summertimeSamness Perfect reply, Sam. *mindblown*
Anyone have tips on getting rid of hunger head aches?
@lemonboy
hey there, i'm sorry to hear that you've been experiencing headaches, they must have hurt a lot.
i know this is going to be hard, but the best way to cure a hunger headache is to eat. you don't have to eat a lot – fruits in particular are healthy and can be filling. some fruits can help you feel more full than others, it's just trial and error until you find the ones that work for you. apple, oranges and pears are good starts. rice is another good choice – it's filling because it expands, and it's basically just starch that your body can break down. these are all safe foods that won't cause you to gain weight as long as you eat them in moderation (: try drinking more water, it can help with the headaches.
this disorder is a tough battle. i know that sometimes it feels like you have no control over it, and that it controls you instead. it's hard because with anorexia, sometimes you start to ignore your body telling you if it's hungry or full. you have to kind of relearn how to intepret these kinds of signals. it's not an easy or short path and i know it's tough, but you can win this battle. i know at this point you probably want to find foods with the least calories but the most nutrients. the ones i suggested above might help. feelings of hunger or pain are not signs that you are weak. they are signs that you are human. there's nothing to be ashamed of, i'm sure you're a strong, wonderful person. stay strong and hang in there (:
@lemonboy
Unfortunately, headaches can be a huge symptom of an eating disorder Some things that I've seen that helped people deal with those is by increasing their caloric intake slowly. Remember, take this in moderation, and try to have healthier foods as well (for example - instead of chosing a cookie, choose a granola bar). However, don't obsess over this! It's perfectly fine to have sweets because life wouldn't be so sweet without them 
Just be sure you have some amount of healthy foods within your diet, and maybe a little treat to reward yourself at the end of the day Whilst doing this, remember to practice positive and healthy coping mechanisms as well. Doing things you enjoy, such as drawing, painting, listening to music, playing a sport with friends, and so on can be super helpful! Chosing these over destructive behaviors such as self harming can really pay off, and will make you so, so much happier in the long run 
Best of luck!
@Emily619
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