Recovery

Nobody talks about how miserable it can be to deal with bulimia recovery.

I have had various disordered eating habits for 7 years, but bulimia specifically for 4 or 5. I’ve been to therapy for it a couple of years ago, been to the hospital due to fainting, dealt with repulsive comments from my mother that were quite honestly more sickening than the illness itself, etcetera.

It’s been a long journey of on and off binging and purging, but for the past week and a half I haven’t purged at all, and before that I’ve been doing it much less. I’ve gained nearly 15 pounds, and I’m absolutely stuck.

Purging for me started as a way to lose weight, but it became much more. It became a way of feeling in control of my life when I realized that I couldn’t control externalities. I’ve struggled with severe anxiety my entire life, but I’ve been subconsciously managing it through my eating disorder. Since I haven’t been doing it, my anxiety has manifested into other aspects of my life, especially my social life. I’m 18 now, and I can’t even stand in line waiting for my food without feeling like curling up in a ball because I think everybody is judging my body language, my image, the way that I speak, pretty much any typical socially anxious thoughts. Too many people, too many opinions, higher chances that someone will find something to single me out for.

With my anxiety peaking, I’ve also been trying to quit nicotine, that of which I’ve also been doing for around 3 or 4 years. It’s much more difficult to quit, seeing as though I have additional nicotinic receptors with no nicotine to fulfill, subsequently leaving me with withdrawal and a severe drop in dopamine. I am much more emotional lately, not exactly depressed, just absolutely anxious and fidgety.

So, downing 7 shots of anxiety a day before I leave the house, I am left with a brain that won’t ever shut up even though my conscience is so tired. And what did I do today? I bought a vape. I feel terrible. Instantaneous gratification is something that I can’t seem to knock. But this topic is for a different group. Moreover, I get hardly any sleep, sometimes too much, my sleep schedule is just completely wack. I got fired from my job and made useless excuses not to get one and now It’s less than 100 days until I’m moving out (another anxiety) so I REALLY can’t get a job.

I suppose what I’m getting at is that recovery is not easy. At all. Dealing with the weight gain, wanting to look how I used to look, only to realize what I would do to myself to look that way… it’s so conflicting. I was so useless when I was purging. I’d faint at work all the time, I’d have no energy, I was starving… and I’m eating fine, my body still looks great and I appreciate it for simply still functioning after the years of torture I put it through, and yet I’m still just… well, I still feel useless. This is just my emotions speaking for themselves though, I know I am much more capable now, and I’ve proved that to myself.

I just crave order, and I do not do well when I’m not in control. Trying to knock out two addictions at once is hell, and I HATE feeling like I lack the self-discipline and internal locus of control to successfully quit both. I think the best thing is to just continue doing good deeds for my body and my mental health and hope that my anxiety and negative thoughts will realize they aren’t welcome in due time.