Just a rant

I grew up a fat kid. No one bullied me, no one commented on my weight, the only time I ever remember hearing anything about it was when I overheard my grandma make a comment to my mom once. I was popular in elementary school, but I remember wondering why teachers liked me when I was fat. I remember wanting an ed as early as 4th or 5th grade. No one was ever mean to me over my weight I don't know why I'm like this. I lost weight in 8 or 9th grade, people became noticeably nicer. I was maintaining my weight, mostly just purging, I wouldn't really binge. Binging of course came on slowly, growing more strong over time. It makes me feel gross. I use food as a comfort, any stress in my life leading me to eating, thus of course making the purging worse. There are periods where it's worse and periods where it's better. My bf has a large impact, and it got better for a while, I gained like 10-20 pounds from trying to regulate my eating, but I didn't need to gain weight. I am so terrified of being over weight again, I remember how ecstatic I was when I was finally within the normal weight range. He also had had a large effect negativity, he thought I was checking out a guy once, I was wishing I looked like him because he was skinny. I told my bf this and he half believed me. I didn't eat for 2 days, I had to prove to him that that's what it was. I never told him I didn't eat. I want to be skinny. I don't understand how people can eat and eat and not gain weight. I'm surrounded by people with ed's my friends and I all happened to get them around the same time. Neither of them were ever fat, and now they're even skinnier. They're both anorexic, not bulimic. I don't know why I can't be like them. I've never been skinny. I've never been underweight. Bulimia is a dirty illness and anorexia seems so clean in comparison. I don't know why I can't be clean