Relapse and feeling stuck
I'm in the midst of an ugly relapse after having been recovered for 7 years. I found myself in recovery before because I was pregnant and breast feeding two babies over the course of three solid years. Here recently I got really depressed, lost my appetite and one thing led to another....
I went back to my dietitian last week. She specializes in EDs and she told me that if I didn't turn things around pretty immediately that I would end up in residential treatment. She put me on a daily food plan that's more food then I eat in a week, forbid me to exercise and told my husband to throw the scale out. I'm terrified and although I'm eating more of a variety, I'm still not eating as I should. I still want to exercise, and still have been some, because I'm terrified of gaining weight. I'm at a lower weight than what my body usually likes to sit at, but I'm not yet underweight by doctor's standards. I feel stuck. I can't get myself motivated to change. I love my husband and I know it's hurting him, but I hate myself more than I love him, and I love him a lot! He is super supportive and so patient with my craziness. But that's not motivating me. Residential would suck because there's nothing in my state so I'd have to leave the state. I'd have to take off work and leave my husband and kids for at least 6 weeks, and it would be expensive, but not even that is motivating me to change. I've got a good life, why am I allowing this thing to wreck me?
if anyone has any insights or suggestions, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
@reservedbunny8506 - It sounds like you're fighting between the motivation to stay sick and the desire to be healthy. I know you say that you don't have any motivation to recover, but I think the fact that you're reaching out here tells me that you do, even if it's not super strong yet. Baby steps.
What helped me was to stop viewing it as all or nothing and focus on small changes. Sure, you might not be motivated enough to dive into a full meal plan, but are you motivated enough to add one more snack to your day? Once that feels normal again, you can see if you're motivated enough to add another or to switch something you're eating to a slightly larger portion or a more caloric option. It doesn't have to change all today, it's just about making progress.
And the side benefit is that making little bits of progress at a time should help you stay out of residential and make your husband happier, so you can use those as motivations still!
Hope that helps, and reach out anytime if I can support you in any way.
