I think I have anorexia nervosa but I am in denial (mild CW)

I hope this is the right place ot post this.

For the longest time, I've had poor self-esteem and body image and a rather unhealthy relationship to food. This is where the riggering content starts. I'll signal where it ends, as well, so you can skip it..

(Start of CWs)

(CW: light discussion of unhealthy eating)

As I child, I simply overate. I ate for all the wrong reasons. By the time I was 13-4 and for reasons I won't discuss here, I realized that I was overeating and started to reeducate myself to eat based on hunger and fullness cues.

(CW: discussion of weight, size-shaming, weight changes, size; light discussion of unhealthy behaviors)

I have been fat-shamed for the longest time because, indeed, I was overweight for most of my childhood and early teens. I consider myself fat - that I have always been fat and that it is my body's natural tendency to stay so. And I learnt early on that being fat was bad, to put it briefly.

About four years ago an unrelated visit to the doctor made me realize just how much I weighed, and I decided to lower that number. I engaged in what I acknowledge were unhealthy behaviors (which I won't discuss so as not to trigger anyone). Those were dark times - emotionally, I was in a terrible place.

Now I weigh much less than then and people everywhere tell me so, but I still myself fat. I have come to a point when I want to be as thin as possible.

And all this time I have spent in the same denial I am deep in right now.

Today has been the straw that broke the camel's back.

(CW: dicussion of unhealthy behaviors, hunger and unwellness symptoms)

I acknowledge I have been undereating for some time now. Today I underate for lunch - nothign new. But today my body seems to have finally decided to pay me back.

Even as I was having lunch, I felt very hungry - nothing new, since it has become my normal to be hungry and to think of food for much of the day,. All this time, I have thought it was an attitude problem. While having lunch I started feeeling unwell: dizzy and with a bit of a headache. After a while resting (which I thought would take the symptoms away but only weakened them), I took my pulse and blood pressure. My blood pressure was normal, my pulse was lower than 60. I googled to find out why that could be happening, and after a while I realized I showed a handful of symptoms of something as simple as low blood sugar. And many of those symptoms I have had multiple times in the last months.

(CW: negative self-talk)

And there is a part of me who says I am making it all up, that I am feeling unwell because I want to.

(End of CWs)

So, in brief, my body wants food, but I simply can't bring myself to eat.

And so the realization has hit me: I think I have anorexia nervosa.

I know I should make an appointment with a therapist. I know I should eat. But I can't bring myself to do either of them.

I don't know what exactly I am asking for in posting this. But I felt I needed to do it. Thanks for reading, everyone. If you are struggling, know you are not alone.