Control

I feel I've lost control over my mind and my life, and to combat the shame of my low self-esteem (I don't think highly of my appearance, facial or body-wise) and the shame of my lack of discipline.

I was abusing my anti-depressants for a week straight at a fairly high dose (a month's dosage in a week), and one of its side effects is that it can suppressappetite. I took that time to hold out on eating, and during the withdrawal, my appetite was fairly low due to the nausea. I lost 16 lbs in 2 weeks (and this past weekI've only lost three pounds). I'm planning on using my next prescription to do the same fast. I still would like to lose about 20 more pounds, even though I'd be getting close to underweight. I've been that weight before, and I remember feeling somewhat beautiful. I don't know why I think my beauty is tied to my size (or why my worth is tied to beauty), because I try not to look at others that way. I try to be as kind to myself as I am to others, but it doesn't work. I ask myself, "Would you say these things to someone else? No? Then why would you say them to you?"

Any tips on rewiring my self esteem?

Oh, and if it matters:

Weight before: 156 lbs
​Weight after drugs: 140 lbs
​Current weight: 137 lbs
Goal weight: 117-120 lbs
Height: 5'6"