Help: How to best support a friend with chronic pain? (Feedback will be very appreciated!)
Alright so... I know nothing about chronic pain. I honestly don't know how move here since it's not solid ground for me, but I do have a friend who's struggling with it and from what I've read from you it is almost exactly the same thing. Her family is not being supportive, no one believes her when she says she's doing badly. She describes her pain as daggers in most cases, and she also says it get worse when she tries to hide it for a very long time. Simple things are too demanding and she often needs to rest a lot before she can go on, even answering some messages can be challenging since the pain rises as her anxiety appears.
She lives very far away from me so I can't help her do stuff, but she sent me a message yesterday in which she mentioned she didn't know how to continue and that she was starting to think about some other "options" to feel "released" ...and I'm tremendously scared.
So, maybe someone here could help me with this. Just please tell me how to approach to her, how should I talk to her in these cases when the pain is simply too much to bear. What can I do? How can I best support my friend here? You guys know this better than anyone so please, please help me with it. I want to get informed about it. I'd like some feedback. I truly care about this because I can't understand it completely since I'm not experiencing it. Just please tell me how to be a better friend for her.
@Cloudydragon
Hello @Cloudydragon! I'm very happy to assume that someone struggling with pain and some difficulties can count on a caring friend like you. Well, there are not rules about how to approach someone with an issue because we are all different and we all react differently to life's events. One positive thing to do with anyone in need is to show real care and will to help and that's good for anyone that asks for it.
You could try to better get informed about your friend's health issue :
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/310834-overview
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/pain-management.aspx
You are a really caring person and to be there when someone needs you is the biggest help you could offer!
Omg thank you so, so much @ilenia5 !! I'm reading these articles and they're being quite helpful I must say, very straightforward. Also, thank so much for saying those kind words to me 
and yeah, I'll try to get a better grasp of this whole thing before I try to help a bit more. I know I'm a newbie so I really want to read as much as I can to understand this and help her. Her family does not believe her, but I do, and I really want her to feel better.
@Cloudydragon
Awesome @Cloudydragon!! I'm glad it has been useful to read more about your friend's issue!
Feel free to text me if you need to converse!
@Cloudydragon
Firstly, understand it's "chronic". She will never get better, she will often be in some kind of pain, so saying "it'll get better" will not be of any help and can be pretty frustrating. There may be times she snaps at you because she's tired and in pain (I get super grumpy and irritable when I'm tired and in pain) so it's best not to retaliate and maybe suggest she has a rest and closes her eyes for a bit and then message you later. You need some patience. Being in pain a lot can really wear down the mind and some days will be better than others. Let her know that you care about her and want her to be open with you about how best to support her and that you want to be a support to her.
You could read this and these are things you CAN say to someone with a chronic illness.
@MythologicalMayhem
Alright, thank yo so much for that feedback. I mean, yeah, sometimes she gets incredibly mad and a bit aggressive and I'm just like... but I didn't do anything! What's wrong? I guess it's important to have that in mind, to remember it's not gonna get "better". Most people just ignore her or do as she's making a really big deal out of it. But yeah, I do believe her. I'm gonna practice that, and try not to say it's gonna get better or something similar, just to be there and listen. Thank you! And thanks for those links too!
I live with chronic pain, and I feel listening is the best thing you can do. The reality is that there is no escape, so "it gets better" and "think positive" honestly are just aggravating to hear, especially from someone who can't feel what we're going through. Don't treat her as though you're tired of hearing about it because we know it gets old, but we have to LIVE with it. Support, listen, and be a friend are the best things you can do, and it seems as though you're on the right track already. Educating yourself on her disorder may help as well.
Good luck!
@SmallChild13
Thank you! Yeah, I'm trying my best to understand this because it isn't something I can feel, and therefore I cannot relate... But yeah, maybe this is what she means when she says "there's no escaping from it anyway". I do not feel tired of listening to her. I love her and I want to be there to listen, but yeah, I won't lie, it sometimes puts me down because she's extremely negative about everything, not only about the pain, although I also know the pain is sometimes the reason why she gets this negative. I do not want to tell her to cheer up and stuff like that because I have depression and I know things as such do not work at all... but yeah, still trying to listen and be there. Thank you so much for telling me this. Is nice to see you guys helping me out with it.
So sorry your friend is hurting so much but it's wonderful to hear she has a friend like you who cares so much. First of all you're doing what everyone with chronic pain needs a friend who wants to be understanding and caring so that's wonderful that you are wanting to learn more about the condition. Chronic pain varies hugely from person to person for instance one person would be able to go to work every day and live a 'normal' life with chronic pain whereas another could be bed bound all the time, so largely it will depend on your friend.
For me i think the most important thing that my friends do is just being there for me either on messenger or over the phone, i know if i'm having a bad day i can ring someone up and just have a natter and talk about my difficulties. For me it's the acknoledgement that although i may be stuck in bed i can still feel as though i have friends around me. Most of my closest friends live 100miles away but i talk to them everyday. Some i haven't even met in 2 years due to my pain levels and distance but emotionally they are there for me.
Distance is hard when you want to be their practically for someone but can't be but emotional support is just as important as the practical meal cooking and physical help. I think really for me it's just a case of hanging out together so i know i'm not alone, using skype for instance, sharing a film through streaming or playing a game together. Is that something that you could do that's fun and distracting from pain?
@Cloudydragon
