Odd Girl Out- An Autistic Woman in a neurotypical world.

The Sun is streaming through the window, causing dust to dance on the air. It sparkles. I want to reach out and grab some, in the way I caught dandelion seedpods as a child. Someone told me that if I caught one I could make a wish. I long to wish myself out of this room.

I dont reach out into the glistening air. I dont waste a wish. Instead, I sit still and concentrate hard on what the women opposite me is saying. I struggle to take in her words. I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I feel Dizzy, unachored.

I beleived i was ready for this moment, but her words- muffled by the roaring in my ears- still have the power to shock. She is a consulatant psychiatrist. she is telling me why I am the way I am. You are not broken, she says, You are not defective. You are differnet.

Relief, elation and sadness overwhelmed me. More often than not the mercurical nature of emtions stop me from being able to identigy them. Today, Though, there is an unsual clairty. For perhaps the First time i understand, how I am feeling.

I have been waiting my entire ilfe for this moment. I have always known i am not the same. I have blamed myself for not being able to fit comfortable into the world. Not being able to do easily the things other seem to find come naturally to them.

Now i ahve the answer, I dont know what to do. I take a moment, thank the doctor and leave. As I walk to nowhere in particular, the early evening sun hits my bare arms. I take out my phone and call

' I'm Autistic,' is all I can think to say.