I'm Ryan

My name is Ryan, I can't believe how low I've been starting to feel. Since I was a kid I've felt some kind of sadness that I felt no one understood. As a kid, I was very shy and felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. Now that I'm a lot older I've grown to be a lot more outgoing...The past couple years I've dealt with a lot of manipulative people that have messed my head up and made me think that I was good enough for anyone. I'll often have memories about different people run through my head constantly, which really brings out my depression...Recently I've had thought of harming myself which is why I decided I need help...A good friend of mine took his life not even a month ago. He had a baby girl a week before he took his life. I just wish I would of know that he was going through something. My other friend and I were very close with him and now I am getting a vibe that my other friend is depressed as well...I started smoking and drinking when I was pretty young, around my junior year of highschool. I'm now a sophomore in college, I've come to realize how much smoking weed and drinking has screwed up my head even more. I still drink on most weekends and sometimes smoke, mainly just to lighten my depression and stress. But I can clearly see how much worse it's been making my depression and anxiety when I'm sober. I just don't want to feel like this anymore, I'm tired of feeling like I'm lower than everyone.