high school senior depression, young adult transition

Hi, today I had a depressive episode. My day wasn’t all great to begin with. I suffer with PTSD from abusive relationships, sexual assault/verbal assault, and issues revolving around that. I have an AMAZING boyfriend of 7 months (onward) and my trauma doesn’t really get in the way with our relationship, fortunately. I’ve done so much healing since my trauma in 2019 and I’ve came long ways. I’ve had depression in 2018 very badly and suffered from addiction and self harm.

For the past two weeks, i’ve been feeling very down. I am currently 18, graduating high school in may. This year i have lost many friends, friends just don’t want to commit to the friendship the same way i want to. I lost my best friend who i never though would leave me. She was like a sister to me and I’ve known her since i started high school and we grew close, transferred junior year together, and practically were sisters. Now she’s like a stranger, i find it difficult to comprehend and maybe my grief and feelings of loneliness revolve around that loss of friendship. I understand friendships are going to be lost during the transition of senior graduation-college but it brings new fear to me and my boyfriends relationship.

He will be attending and staying on campus to a college 40 minutes from me. However, because of the issues i have financially regarding college I can’t have the “college life” if you want to refer it that way. Because of my financial situation, i have to designate to my free options of community college online. My work also gives free scholarships for bachelors degree online. However, online school is extremely different from going in person. i feel i will not have many to no friends when the time comes, I dread graduating because i’ll be set apart from my relationship and friendships. No one really taught me the transition of things i was just thrown into the mix of adulting. There is MAJOR pressure right now. I feel as though i will be losing opportunity where my boyfriend will be growing and making new friends but i will not have that growth. I do not enjoy being alone for long periods of times, it makes me depressed and anxious especially considering my PTSD and various triggers and attributions. I have talked to my boyfriend about this and he is very understanding but i know he doesn’t see my perspective.

I feel as though because of where i stand, i am choosing between my mental health with college and avoiding debt for college. I am very appreciative of the financial support i am getting and have with college despite it being online. i am beyond grateful for it, but i know my tendencies when i’m alone. i cannot afford to move out because i just got in a car accident that wrecked my 2021 car… My degree requires med school- so i know the opportunities i have i should take, but i really do not know how. my mental health is going to withstand and endure being alone. it is extremely difficult for me to make real genuine friends.

i also feel my depression is intensifying, i haven’t had an depressive episode in a long time i feel very unmotivated. if someone could really just guide me because i don’t know what to do with myself besides lay in bed and stare at a wall at 10pm when i work at 7am. i know i am not alone in this thinking about college, so i will ask in broad:

so i ask,

what do i do for after care when i have a depressive episode/ptsd episode?

how do i prevent over sharing with my partner because i don’t want to be reliant on him?

any tips for a young adult learning all the responsibilities that come with it?

any tips on senioritis?

any tips for going to college or making new friends?