The death of her has ruined me.

Hello. This is my first post here. I'm a 14 year old teenager suffering through depression and anxiety. 

Three years ago, when I was 11, my mother passed away. Since then, life has been extremely difficult for me. I was an exceptionally good at studies and was so bright. Ever since she passed, I have never been the same. 

I procrastinate a lot of things even when I don't want to do so and face the consequences every single time. I don't know why I'm like this. I should've learnt from my mistakes. But no, I end up making the same mistakes over and over and over again until I suffer. 

I somehow managed 8th, 7th and 6th grade because the academic pressure was low and our subject teachers were kind and not rude, hence they did not trigger me. 

In 9th grade ( current grade ) I feel like everything has gotten a lot worse. I have been going through a major depressive episode since the last 12 days and I have missed 10 days of school including today. I had a language test today. I didn't give it. I stayed up all night yesterday wide awake thinking "I'll study 30 minutes later" and it was soon when I felt the sunrays entering my room. I was devastated. This catastrophic and self sabotaging behaviour that I do to myself has ruined me. 

Yes, 10 days may not sound like a lot but this is the worst it has ever gotten. I wasn't able to pull myself out the bed and I'm slowly loosing the basic sense of hygiene. I'm still trying. 

I procrastinated all throughout summer vacation and now I know nothing. Every other student is well ahead of me and I'm the only one left behind. Ranting about this won't make my situation any better but this is all I have got the energy to do. Ranting about my life. 

I have so much to work on, so much to study, so much to catch up on, so much homework, so much lessons, so many projects, yet no energy. I'm exhausted waking up, exhausted going to sleep, exhausted while I'm eating. Nothing interests me anymore and I have left all that I used to do before that made me happy. 

All I do now is sit and cry and hit myself on the head as a form of punishment for living up to my expectations and proving myself wrong. My parents don't understand, they're starting to get annoyed with my drama. They will probably force me to go to school tomorrow as well and I would have to again cry and throw a tantrum in front of them AGAIN. 

When is this going to end? How did I end up like this? I swear this isn't me. I wasn't like this before. I couldn't have imagined myself being in this position.