I'm tired of pretending that I'm fine TW - self harm
I feel like I'm just existing, like nothings worth doing or wasting energy for and basically just feel hopeless. I started to self-harm again even tho I was 2 months clean. But no one knows that. everyone only knows the happy, cheerful me that I've been faking for years and I just can't anymore. I barely have the energy to talk and I just can't pretend I'm fine anymore. I've been distancing myself from everyone and barely kept in touch during lockdown cause I don't want them to see how bad I'm feeling. But now that school starts again I see all the people in person again I need to appear fine. I can feel how I'm losing my friends because I don't respond to messages immediately and because I'm not so cheerful at school anymore. A friend I know since childhood gets mad at me every time I don't sound like I'm happy to talk to her on the phone. And I want to tell her that I'm trying, that I'm happy to hear from her but I feel like shit and just don't have the energy. And I miss my friends so much, I need them but I don't have the energy to reach out to them and I don't think that they would want to hear about my depression anyway. On top of that, I'm very bad at communication and really don't know how to express my emotions or explain what I'm feeling ( see the awkward paragraph at the top where I fail to explain how I feel). I'm just tired of everyone expecting me to be happy all the time, but I feel like I should be happy. I mean nothing really bad has happened to me and I still feel terrible.
I am at a similar point. I self harm too but haven't really done it lately, not because I wanted to stop but because I got so depressed, it didn't even help anymore. So now I feel like I don't even have that to get me through the dark moments. Have you reached out to anyone, like a professional or a teacher at school? I have a friend from work who I can talk to and I now have the mh team. It really does help having someone impartial to talk too. I never tell my family or friends how I feel, I do the exact same distance myself, stay quiet and act happy. I hide away and lie about being busy, but it has made me so Ill. You need to find someone to offload and open up to, even if you try ringing a support line for a talk?. Sometimes I talk and feel like it was a waste of time because there is no magic cure, nothing they say makes me feel better, but just offloading help more than you realise. Not sure if this is helpful at all, but I do 100% feel you right now. You are not alone. Chat anytime.