SAD: How I've been trying to combat it

TRIGGER WARNING: Involves past struggles with self-harm and suicidal thoughts

To whom it may concern,

A year ago today, I started self-harming. Not cutting myself like in the movies, but just scratching my arm with a sewing needle. Enough to leave a mark but not enough to break skin. At the time, it felt right, even justified. I wasn't in a good place, a lot of bad things had happened, and I felt like it was the only way to create the radical change I felt was necessary. I didn't know that my SAD was acting up, in fact, I had no idea I had SAD. In fact, learning I did was a bit of a weight off my shoulders. All that self-harm and self-hatred wasn't really anything to do with me, my brain was just wired in a way where this kind of thing happens. What may have seemed like a devastating thing to hear for some people was a relief to me. But as the seasons changed and the weather got warmer, I decided to ensure that next winter would be at least marginally better.

Fast forward a few months, and I've done a whole lot of work on myself, trying to prepare for that dreaded winter season. I found some good role models, particularly Ted Lasso and my late grandfather, for me to emulate instead, moving away from the cold persona I find many people can tend to put out. Heck, I gave up my fall semester of college (socially, not academically) just to work through this all. I learned that my negativity is oftentimes not really me, but more of me emulating a movie/TV character I know to be negative and using their traits to radiate negativity (good examples would be Zeke Yeager or Thomas Shelby). I started conversations with people about my anxieties surrounding friendship and social status, and I feel like I'm moving a lot further than I probably should be a year removed from wanting to hang myself with my college scarf.

I like to think this sounds a lot like a success story, but I can't honestly say it is. Truth is, my college semester starts back up in a week, and I don't know if all that work I did last semester will be worth it. Maybe I'll turn back into the depressed outcast I became last year, but maybe I'll move forward. Maybe I can actually accomplish what I set out to do this semester, or I can certainly hope so. I have to admit, I feel like I'm rambling at this point, but I genuinely do want to come back in a few months and tell people that I'm a recovered person with SAD. I don't know if any of this resonates with any of you out there, but if it does, I'd love to talk to other people about their SAD and maybe learn a bit more on how to deal with it, since I think the best thing for a lot of us is to try to move forward to a better place in our lives. Thank you.