How to support a Partner dealing with Depression?

1. Make communication your highest priority.

It can be as simple as switching your language from Gosh, Im so upset to I'm depressed to let your partner know that it's more than being annoyed about traffic or bills. Explaining your triggers, warning signs, and symptoms can help them better understand your illness and respond in a supportive and productive way.

2. Come up with code words.

For me, it can still be hard to say, I'm depressed. For some reason, those two words stick in my throat like cement. There are so many years of shame attached to them, and saying them sometimes feels like I'm giving in to the depression.

During times like this, my partner has worked out a way for us to continue communicating. He will ask, Is it in the kitchen or the living room?—meaning, how intensely are you feeling it right now? I'll respond that it's down the street, or at the door, or in bed with me.

Another way we increase communication is through more direct questions. When I say I don't feel well, he will ask Physically or emotionally? This opens up the conversation for specifics, instead of one or both of us shutting down.

3. Dont try to solve the problem.

Partners of those struggling with depression tend to feel helpless and may jump to problem-solving or giving advice. Often, someone who is depressed knows what they need to do to feel better; they don't have the energy to do so in that moment. In these situations, it is very powerful to simply be with your partner. Accept that this is part of your relationship, instead of trying to change or cure them. Holding their hand, giving eye contact, and actively listening can help far more than offering suggestions for things they should be doing. Talking through thoughts and feelings can effectively reduce symptoms, and knowing that someone loves you when you're feeling at your worst is both healing and empowering.

4. Provide basic comforts.

Drawing a warm bath, whipping up a meal or a cup of tea, or even giving a back rub can be life-changing for someone suffering with depression. Because depression often makes people feel unworthy or unattractive, words of encouragement are also vital. Finding other ways to be intimate when your partner is not feeling well shows sensitivity and relieves pressure from a partner who may feel inadequate.

5. Give reminders and encouragement.

People with depression may believe the things they are feeling are a result of who they are as a person, which can result in self-loathing. They may feel shame or guilt for not being able to better control their emotions. My partner will often remind me that my depression is not me, and that I am separate from it. He also reminds me that depression is an illness, and like any other illness, the one who is sick is not to blame. When he points out my strengths and past successes, it empowers me and reminds me that I will eventually feel better again.

The Bottom Line

While a partner may not be able to take away their loved one's depression, they can provide the strong support system that is vital to a person's mental health and sense of self. Through patience, understanding, and open communication, a partner gives their loved one a space to heal and feel safe to communicate what they are feeling. Having a relationship where one or both partners experience depression can be a challenge, but if both are willing to put in the time and effort, the result can be a strong, supportive relationship built on trust and understanding.