Goodnight

Have you ever just wanted to claw your heart out so you wouldn't feel the ache anymore. You want to scream and yell but stay silent. Your panicking on the inside but so calm on the outside. I don't even know if it's depression anymore. I just know that it's become a normal way of living for me. Whenever people discuss marriage. Like no I'm not old enough yet. But people like to think about it right. Well is it sad that everytime I'm asked I say. I know I'll never get married. I know I'll never find someone. I've lost hope in love. And friends. It's such a dream to think about the future when you guys will be old or do so much together when your older. Whenever anything goes wrongs friends can pick you up right. Well I haven't had a real friend in a long time. There was only one person who I thought was my first friend but she was better off. I only ever let her down with my meltdowns and stupid thoughts. See I can't dream like everybody does. I can only wait. Until I grow old and life ends me itself. I'm almost an adult soon not very soon but this year soon. And to be honest if I could I'd hide away in my room forever. I hate crowds I hate people. I hate being surrounded and I hate letting people in. Because it's only when I let you in that you kill me inside and remind me why I've given up on everything.. I know my mom won't let me fail so I'll most likely have a job in the future but what I do know is. I don't think I'll ever be fixed again. I laugh alot so much that I don't know which is forced and which are real but I don't mind because even if it's fake I can feel atleast one second of happiness even if it is imaginary. Theres nothing wrong with my life. There's no reason for me to complain. I'm just a brat. But I don't know I guess I'm rambling at this point. The ache is still there but it's slowly fading I made it well through my melt down. You can ignore this message I helped myself. Goodnight.