Why we need love and to reach out

After a long time, I had something called an inner smile - The last few weeks have been hell to say the least. I thought the depression was finally going away and I was in control. Then it started coming back and I felt utterly hopeless - I was tired of having to go through this cycle again and again for so many years alone. In the last 3 years of actively trying to fight this depression, I have reconnected and found wonderful people again.

I was struggling to sleep in the last few days - waking up at 10:30 am or like 1:30 pm, not being able to fall asleep, struggling with wanting to do things...Yesterday, something happened which worried my friend like anything - i wrote a long mail to her writing about what had really been going on.

Though i am usually not this honest with her, something compelled me to send it. Then for some reason, I went on "do not disturb mode" thanks to stupid promo calls and the resolution to study. She called and got immensely worried when i didnt pick up. To my surprise, i found this elderly woman at my door. This lady was someone my friend had befriended on her short stay at my place when she visited from our home-town. I live alone bdw.

She told me that my friend had called saying she was worried that i couldnt be reached. I was startled to see all those missed calls from her and my boyfriend. We spoke for quite a while - I dont remember much of what she said but the kindness with which she held my hand and hugged me...I think something in me cracked and I could feel myself tearing up with the kindess - you know that kindness and love one feels from others and their pain sort of feels less compelling.

I was still low but I felt like something within me had stirred. My boyfriend came over somehow and stayed with me, dragged me out of the house. Though i still felt low, I made an effort to be cheery for his sake. When he went to sleep, I was up online having a talk with someone and all I could think was the amount of time she devoted to me. She wouldnt get anything in return from this really but she cared. A lot of people cared and I wasnt alone.

I have faced the worst moments of my life alone and survived but it doesnt have to be this hard. I realized that it wasnt the situations that were causing the depression - it was that inner feeling of hurt and pain that was deeply imbedded inside. It wasnt that the diet, exercise, typical manual stuff would fix it - I needed that initial impetus to do things in the first place and that came when i stopped feeling hopeless. I would say yesterday was one of those rare moments in life when i felt overwhelmned by love and support. It makes me realize how much we all need eachother to heal and find courage to fight those demons. I want to be there for others too as much as possible.

So therefore i will say thank you for having the patience to read this whole thing - I have been depressed for the last 9 years and it has been an uphill battle but i am getting closer to really understanding it better.