What do I do..?
I’m having a hard time with everything for months now.. I’ve considered going to my school counsellor.. but I don’t know how would that help me? What if they say they can’t do much and instead contact my parents and tell me to speak to a professional? I understand that even if they say that, they would be intending the best for me.. but I don’t want them to make a big deal about it.. or things to escalate. I don’t want to raise a concern. I don’t want my parents to know.. They think I’m alright and nothing’s wrong and I want to keep it that way. I’m not comfortable with them finding out since my dad’s abusive and my mom has a lot of worries, problems and responsibilities on her shoulders.
To the school counsellor I’ll just be a student who’s having suicidal thoughts and that’s just enough information for them to make this a big deal and contact my parents. I could avoid giving that information to them, but everything is connected…
I keep delaying it, I'm scared of going there. I see the counsellor everyday in the corridor at school, but I hesitate to approach her and she just ends up walking away. I don't have the confidence to do this. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to about how I feel other than here in 7Cups. I told a friend a bit about what I am going through and she hasn't talked to me since. I guess she's just not comfortable with these kinds of topics (?) Im not sure. But she was the only person I thought I could talk to. She said it herself. She's said she's here to listen whenever I need to talk. I told her I was having dark thoughts and she just left me on seen. It's best if I don't talk to her about any of this anymore, I don't want to lose our friendship. We've been friends for 12 years now. I probably sound like an attention seeker or selfish, it hurts to know that there isn't anyone there for me, when I was there for so many... I guess that's just how things are. People have always used me, and threw me away once they got what they wanted.
I don't know what to do anymore. It feels pointless to even try. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of saying that I'm tired. I'm tired of being so weak. I hate feeling this way. I was never like this. I was one of the most talkative and bubbliest person in class. And now, I don't say a thing. And no one bothers to talk to me too, so I just mind my own business and stay there while my thoughts give me company. I don't know how long I can hold on. I’m sorry I sound so messed up
@justFarheen
Hi, please do not apologize for anything you are feeling right now, or were feeling when you wrote this post. I want to clarify that everything you are feeling is completely valid and normal, regardless of whoever left you on read, or whatever your intrusive thoughts tell you.
In my opinion, you are under a set of circumstances that are questioning your strength. With your parents, your friend that left you on read, the implication of everyone knowing you are going through depression. It is an extremely tough position to be in, but you should know that it is a position that will not last, precisely because you are resilient and strong. You will get through it. I believe I can say that with confidence due to you writing how you know that you are depressed, and still want to reach out and work with it. I do not know who you are, but based on how you wrote this post and how you know what priorities to take in order to deal with your depression, I can sense strength, not weakness.
I would like to add that talking to your school counsellor is a good idea, but is not the only thing you can do to vent and deal with your emotional issues. I hope you understand that your depression is a part of you, yes, but it will never be you. It is hard and it hurts, but it is normal. You are not messed up, and you are not blowing anything out of proportion. Depression makes strong people feel weak, and I think this post is a prime example of that. You try really hard to battle depression, but I would suggest try working with it, look at it, examine it, you don't have to try anymore. I apologize if what I wrote sounds like I'm here on my high horse telling you how to feel, I just relate a lot to what you said.
I hope this what somewhat helpful to you, I hope it gets better, truly
