I'm not okay
I've finally come to realise that I'm not okay.
I'm struggling with depression but I can't see a professional about it or at least I don't know how to find one but it's becoming too much. I no longer have an appetite to eat because I'm just too tired to move my jaw to chew the food and if I manage to get it down I just want to be sick. I can't find the motivation or the effort to do my school work and I'm doing 3 A-levels at the minute which are hard and I need to actually do the work but anytime I try I end up just staring at a wall or the work for hours.
Lately I've just been feeling numb because I'm too tired and exhausted to feel anything else....i used to want to cry all the time but now it's just nothingness (is that a good thing?)
My friends see me as this emotionally stable, chill guy and I'm fine with that and some of them know that's not the case and in reality I'm struggling to keep it together...its becoming difficult to not snap at everyone and not to start punching inanimate objects.
I just don't know what to do but I do know I can't keep going....ive burnt out and am now running on fumes.
I would like, and I know it's a lot to ask, for someone just to tell me what to do and how to do it to help manage it like how do I cope?
I'm not okay either. I hate that when things go wrong, my first thought is suicide. People dont understand that suicidal thought . Ever really go awa . I simply dont act on it. I'm not suicidal, it's just those damn thoughts of it; as if it's some cure all.
Today I feel that I will never meet anyone that will be okay with my diagnosi . I never will. Today I recommit to me. I'll be by myself. Anyone who wants to be in my world will have to work. Hard.
@Thebipolarchick
I feel very similar to you in that I'm constantly thinking how better off everything would be if I weren't alive and I'll just keep thinking about suicide to the point if I walk across a bridge my first thought is jump. But I know for a fact I'd never act on them as I cannot just pass on the pain I'm in onto everyone around me. My family and friends have simply gone through too much for me just to do that so it's a constant struggle to just get on with my life. It becomes worse when I can't find the effort to move or eat.
Out of everyone i know, I've only managed to tell one person, my best friend, but it only made her worry more and change how she acts around me which is the last thing I wanted so now I just can't tell people I know how I'm really doing so it's just a "I'm fine" anytime someone asks
@Hyperion8400 Its so frustrating. Today I was raging all day long. I was mad about nothing and everything at the same time. The person whonaaked what's wrong is also the same person who told me he was tired of talking about mental illness and asked me five times when we met if I was crazy. How can I ever open up to someone who meets with with deeply ingrained stigma.