How can I stop hating myself so much ?
I was quite happy as a child but ever since I started to get bullied at 9 years old (I'm currently 24), I'm completely depressed. I feel extremely lonely. It's impossible for me to "let anyone in" my life because I can't believe anyone could be interested in me. I feel like a burden for everyone. The (very few) people around me that I haven't pushed away don't know how to help me. Plus, last year I was raped, and since that I feel worse than ever. I turned to alcohol and that kind of stuff to get rid of all this pain but it's wasn't working so I stopped (it was hard). Now one of my only sources of joy in life is my cat. I can never really enjoy hanging out with people, even those who are supposed to be my closest friends, because my self-hatred always ends up messing up my relationships. I hate my body, my personality, the way I act around people (very awkward). I used to be quick, smart and funny, but I feel like depression is eating away all the good things that are left of me. I also tried antidepressants but it didn't work for me. Therapists didn't work either because I never managed to trust them. I've been stuck in this horrible place for so long I can barely imagine getting better. Still I keep trying to get some help. Maybe this website could help ... ? I don't even know if this is the right place to post this kind of message, I apologize if it isn't, there are so many things on this website, I don't understand it.
Thank you in advance to anyone who will read this and possibly help me
@screamqueen808
1- antidepressants are always different. One might not work for you, so you try another one; Also antidepressants are not a miracle pill, they help alot but you need constant therapy and alot of your own work;
2-the cause of your depression is other people. You did nothing wrong. Obviously not saying for you to hate the world (because you kinda already do, at least in social interactions, and is understandable), but just tell yourself that it was never your fault;
3-you need (REALLY NEED) to change your monologue. You need to be a bitch to your inner voice. Everytime you have a negative thought, fight it with positivity. Is it hard? yes. But the minute you start working on it, trust me, will make big changes;
4-you need to accept your past. You don't have to forget what happened or forgive those cruel people, however you have to accept what happened. Why? So you can move on. Look at how much pain you're going through. You're stuck in the past, you're reliving all the pain daily.
5-Find other coping mechanisms. From what I can see you use alot of self hatred to justify what you feel/think. Don't do that. Self hatred is literally that.
7-Everytime you have negative thoughts, self hatred, flashbacks, etc, please remember this: all of these things only hurt you. The moment you cling to it, the moment you allow these things to enter your mind, you are causing pain to yourself. You are the one hurting.
Remember that you already went through enough.
For this I have one advice: if someone else, let's call it... Annie . If annie went through the same stuff you would be sympathetic to her I'm sure, you wouldn't blame her right? Now "annie" is you, is yourself. Make sure you treat yourself as your best friend, or as someone you have sympathy for . Please look after yourself and do the best you can to be safe and happy.
8- Finally I want to say that please trust people again. Obviously there's always garbage in the world , but if you never trust you will miss some of the most wonderful life experiences. And those? They are worth all the pain you had.
Take your time though. No rushes. But allow yourself to.
p.s- I tried my best to be helpful and kind. I relate alot to your post so I did my best here. You are not alone 
@screamqueen808 I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I've worked with women who have been bullied and abused and report having similar feelings about themselves. You said you just don't know what to do right now. I would encourage you to try and let a therapist in to help you. We as helpers are here to encourage, not threaten or provoke more fear. Know we are very willing to support you on your journey to feeling better. I think this could be a big step towards recovering from all your pain. Best of luck
@screamqueen808
Although you friends might not understand what you're going through, try to cherish them. Enjoy the time that you have with them and try to focus on things they do understand or just enjoy your company when you're around them. Friends are a blessing, maybe being grateful for the little you do have can help you feel a little better.
