all i want....
i just want to be chosen first for once in my life....and not because i need to be fit into something. all i want is for something to see me without me making it clear to everyone. to have someone who's able to see past my carefully constructed mask. and sure, i do it to keep myself safe but it's so d-mn tiring to have to keep it in place when all i get is stress and "tough love". the amount of times i run away in my mind is upsetting and it shouldn't be this way, that's what they all say but you never try to change it. i didn't ever go to those places before but now i'm just so tired of the same old patterns and i would give anything to be able to walk away once and for all.
i'm so tired
and no one seems to notice, even when i try to make it obvious
but i guess that's how it goes
i know i'm not alone but it feels like it most of the time
how much longer will it be like this
how much longer does this ache have to continue for
how much longer do i have to fight alone
@StarrySkies1236
There are many of us experiencing the same thing..... for various reasons.
I personally feel some was on me, as i acted humble and let others go first.
I put the needs of others in front of mine ..............thinking someday i would be well liked and appreciated for all my wonderful sacrifices......... but in the end i feel I taught others it is OK to walk over me.... I taught them ( family and friends) i will take the last turn/ do without if we run out of something ...... can be inconvenienced again and again.
Now i want to be thought of FIRST ... to be the priority ......and they act like i am asking for too much.... it has caused some rift and awkwardness.
I know now I should have stood up for myself years ago. The idea of waiting for your turn .... does not work IMO. speak up and put yourself first too
@toughTiger6481
you don’t know how much I feel with you and how much anger I have for the people who should have treated you the way you deserve. the people who let you do that to yourself and never stepped in are the people who don’t deserve you. even though it’s hard, it’s so d-mn hard to do this, choose yourself when everyone else isn’t.
if they are saying that you don’t deserve to be treated like a person, they’re not the people you want next to you.
someday they’ll realize that they were the ones who made the mistakes not you. but don’t let them lower your standards, if they think it’s too much than that’s on them not you.
@StarrySkies1236
I swear I had almost the same prayer as you and just said "How long..."
I do believe, just from my own personnel experience, that love sent out does come back, just usually not from those whom you sent the most love to.
But the 'when'.... It's better for me to think of just making it through today. I've got to live my days in a 1 day box to have a chance of living happily.
@RedWell
I am sorry you relate to what I wrote. It’s never quite the same after you realize that not everyone has to deal with the same monsters you’ve fought with.
I am waiting for the day when I can say the same, the few people who have sent love back to me have not been the best people for me. I joke to myself that the only people who want me to be their person, are the ones who are the worst for me.
I strive to do the same but sometimes my mind tires of pushing away the things I wish for.