The Curse of the Lonely

It is going to be a long post, so bare with me.

Ever since I was young, I was not great atsocialising, very shy and quiet. In primary school, I did not make a lot of friends, I wasn't popular and neither rejected, I was more 'neglected'. I did not develop any solid friendships, but that's understandable as kids.
The weird thing is when I moved up to secondary school, I did not have one classmate who I knew before, having to friend all over, from the start. I didn't mind, but if I encountered anyone I was previously in school with, I would avoid and feel uncomfortable. I cannot understand why, but it proved to be anxiety over small talking with people from my past.

Then, in secondary, I was struggling a lot without knowing myself. I did have a knowledge of being attracted to other guys in my class, but being in all-boys church school I denied myself the identity of a gay sexuality and convinced myself by the time I grow up things will be different. Once again, I did not make any solid friendship, even at 16. Everyone used to talk about dating girls and all that stuff and I felt left out and many times isolated myself from the crowds during the breaks.

When school was over, I did not bother to catch up or contact classmates again. Again, I felt very uncomfortable and never attended a reunionwhatsover. I moved to post-secondary school, and I had some friends from the previous school. Yet, it was a very weird time, I used to avoid most contact and would rather sit with the popular loud group where I would be totally ignored than with my old friends who would know me and talk to me. After a year of being left out again, I made friends with a guy who I really liked. And after becoming close friends with him I felt attracted and that's when I actually thought to myself about being gay and panicked, as my mum is very catholic and religious. I told my friend and he helped me accept myself and come out to my friends and family through support.
By now I was feeling suicidal and depressed, and another special friend. He seemed to be very lonely, and actually suffers from ADHD and Depression and referred me to a psychotherapist which really helped me along the years. Yet, after coming out, in around 6 months school finished and once again I lost contact from all my friends. I avoided it too, but it was not just my fault, we were friends just because of timing and me needing help, not because we actually fit as we do not share actual hobbies.

I went to university, 3 times. 3 different courses. The first two years I dropped out before I finished the year. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. It was very dark and friendless. 2 years ago, I went out to a gay club and there I met my LGBT friends, who actually drink a lot. The LGBT group in general was fun to go out drinking but encouraged me to drink which was not healthy with my depression. In fact, one time I drank too much, I cut off from the rest of the group and felt depressed and rejected, and went home to try and overdose from my antidepressants, and I went consciously to hospital as I felt very guilty about it, and I got treated for overdose and had to stay 2 days with assurance from my parents that they have constant watch on me so that I do not harm myself.

Then, from the LGBT group I met 2 friends, the only two that I had actually grown close to and loved in a respectful friendly way. Let's name them Ron and Leo. I met Leo in around June, and Ron somewhere along a summer, both 2013. I managed to disclose a lot of personal information and they were the bestest friends I could ever imagine for. In october 13 they started dating, and they were more restricted and tight on what they share with me, as they did not want to discuss anything of their relationship with me, as I knew them both a lot.Our friendships wasn't as good and I felt lonely once more.

In July 2014 I was in a relationship briefly, before my boyfriend had to leave due to VISA not being accepted. his 3 months were over and so was our relationship, as Europe-SouthAmerica was very hard to keep up. In the same month, Ron and Leo had broken up, and Ron decided to not talk to us again. He decided he could not help anyone and he pushed us away from helping him (he had family issues with him being gay). Devasted, I had lots a friend and he would not reply to any text. At the same time, Leo's sister died after 4 weeks in hospital, and left him traumatised. From July till January 2015, he behaved very negatively, avoiding any productive work. Our relationship went worse. He would reject any helping hand, and just pushed me away. He would criticise me all the time for anything, and if we had arguments he would blame it on me. He would only talk about fictional stuff that he would daydream about and involved super-powers. My emotional needs were very neglected and it was no longer like the friendship it used to be. I was very hurt and every day we would just argue to a point that talking to him makes me very anxious and nervous and only makes me feel worse about myself.

I decided to stop talking to him and was basically friendless. Along the time I tried building closer friendships but they were just not viable. The one that I can trust is mostly unavailable, being very busy and might even ignore me for a week before replying to anything, let alone meeting. In April I talked to Leo again; and after a week I went out with the group (neither Leo nor Ron used to go out with us anymore) and we got really wasted. I was feeling very depressed and lonely, and I cut myself off from the group, and went alone away from the clubs. i was having a very bad anxiety attack and this stranger soothed me, and somehow I we ended up fucking, without protection. I really regret it and I was very worried about my health.

Being the only one there for me, the morning after I told Leo hoping to find some support but instead he kept mocking me and shunning me, looking down and teasing me. It felt really awful and after a couple of days of him constantly putting me down I've had enough and blocked him off my life. Since then, it's been nearly a month. Friendless. Constantly worrying about my sexual health, as the earliest appointment I could make is in mid June. I have no one to talk to about my emotional dilhemmas.

To make it better, loneliness and anxiety make my mind do crazy things. I've been having nightmares regarding my family getting to know i have HIV or that Leo is talking to me again and it's mostly based on emotional trauma. At night I can barely sleep, and although I had broken up with my ex-boyfriend for long distance, we still kept flirting and stayed friends, as he is trying to get accepted by VISA in the coming year. As I would actually want to be with him, me hooking up with someone else makes me feel really guilty and I feel horrible if we had to meet again and him not knowing that I'm a less worthy person than he thought. So I have conscience telling me to be honest and upfront and tell him. At the same time, I have no obligation as we are not in a relationship, and telling him would only hurt the chances of him wanting to come back and be with me. And for nearly 9 months my fear aws that he comes back and things would no longer be the same between is. He's the first person that actually understood and liked me for who I am. He's the first person I actually loved fully for who he is and it makes me cry that life can be so cruel. I've worked hard to get cured from depression after 2 years of constantly feeling lifeless. Yet no friend can stay in my life and do good, and the one relationship I actually admire and adored had to end in a way that netiher of us could prevent.

Having said that, no matter how low I may feel right now or when these recent events of being friendless and break-up hapepned, I am still better than when I used to be under major depression and I am no longer suicidal, so at least I know I am stronger. But life still sucks.