Some things that have been going on.

Last week I read a book about parents. You can probably guess which one. However, I disliked one part so much it made me not want to listen to the rest of it.

I have come to realize that I am an externalizer, but there was barely any help in there for externalizers. They had a whole chapter on internalizers, but none for externalizers because they aren't self reflective, or something. I feel like the author pitted us against each other: the selfish, angry, unstable externalizers, always blaming others, destined to grow up narcissists, and the selfless, introspective internalizers, who are chronic people-pleasers who only want the best for others.

I think it's ironic that even when I go to a book to try and help fix a very specific problem, it ends up making me feel alone. Yes, I am angry at the book. But everyone loved that book.

In other news:

I am not looking forward to my 18th birthday. I rarely look forward to school vacations, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or anything like that. No one respects my wishes. They want to go out and do something extravagant, and that sounds good, but it's more for their own feelings than mine, when all I want is for no one to bother me for a whole day.

I have good friends, but only one very close friend, and I'm worried I will lose touch with her when I graduate.

I feel like a failure all the time. I use to cry excessively, but now I only cry when my parents aren't around.

I feel like my friends are getting tired of me constantly talking about my parents. So I decided to come here instead.

I feel like they secretly would be glad to be rid of me, even though I know they love me.

I feel like I could be replaced with a different, nicer girl, and my parents would be happier.

Everyone at my school seems so happy and excited to graduate but me. I feel stuck.