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Social Anxiety friend group advice

Atnaris February 13th

My relationships with my friends have a big impact on my overall self-esteem

So a bit of context - I am currently a college student, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, I didn't have my first real friend group until college.  I've always been an introverted personality, and I know being introverted is different from being shy in that it describes the preference one has to spend time on their own instead of with others.  But it used to also be a hinderance for me.  Before college I was very socially awkward and shy, and kept to myself far too often.  I feel my personality has improved since coming to college, but still I know I don't have as many friends as other people who have been part of social groups their entire lives.

I feel like sometimes that hurts my relationships with others.  I feel like I don't mean as much to them as some of them mean to me.  I can count the number of friends I interact with regularly on a single hand.  But to them, I'm just one out of dozens.  I treat them like we're close and ask what's up if I notice they're acting strange and something might be bothering them.  But rarely will I seriously get asked how I'm doing, even if I'm going through some rough times.  I feel that if I act towards them how I feel about them I may come off as too clingy or desperate.  Sometimes I feel like a jerk because I'm trying to get more out of people than I really deserve to (even though this isn't true, the most I'm doing is messaging them but I'm worried if I'm doing this too often).  I thought things would be easier once I "disassembled" my outer personality barriers and my attitudes toward people are closer to how I actually feel about them, but now I'm not sure.

I'd appreciate if someone who can relate to this can share what their thoughts are.

1
Essy1990 February 13th

Hello dear @Atnaris,


Thank you for openly bringing this subject to the table and reaching out.

What I read is that the people you interact with mean a lot to you, but they don't seem to give you the feeling that you mean as much to them. That must be a painful thought.

I can relate to what you are describing to some degree. I too treat the people I interact with as people I am close with. And the care I give, does not always come back. At first I thought that maybe that was because they did not like me enough, or because I simply was too different to build a strong connection with, but I came to realise that a lot of people with dozen of friends often are simply not looking for that strong mental bond that I was as an introvert automatically searching for. Now when I am wondering, I tell myself to stay as I am. Because caring an treating people in a loving way is a good thing, and often that thought helps me.

Back to you, because your situation might be completely different. I am curious to know what it is that you want. Do you want them to behave differently, or do you want them to see you differently? Do you want to connect with other kind of people? Or would you like to change your expectations?

Haha, these are a lot of questions to think about, I know.

Thanks again for sharing. Know that you don't stand alone.

Love,

Essy1990