musings

I was never really someone who was in overwhelming amounts of need as a little kid. Sure, I went without some things due to financial hurt from growing up in a divorced household, but I was happy.

After I realized just how much hurt I was actually in when I was younger due to neurological issues and manipulation, though, it took everything in me to not fall apart. I expected myself to have everything in order. I was the gifted kid, I wasn’t allowed to fail, and it felt like a failure to admit that I was in pain.

I started getting better, I removed myself from the awful environment I was handed by my biological father and am now thriving in comparison to when I was small. But I never had a game plan on what my life was. I never expected to get this far, and I’m honestly surprised I’m still here after all of my issues throughout the years.

it may sound upbeat saying that, but I’m so unbelievably lost. I’m very lonely on my college campus, I have no clue what I’m doing and am just trying to get through with what little awareness of the world I actually have. I don’t know who I am, and I know I’m not expected to, but I feel more like an empty body than a person. I walk through my life feeling as though I don’t really exist. And this is really dangerous. It’s caused me to make reckless and stupid descisions, ones that I regret and am so incredibly fortunate weren’t any more serious than they actually were.

im so tired. I feel like I’m back in my younger years where my issues didn’t have names to them and were so much scarier. I feel like I’m alone in my head. I know that I’m not alone, but the voices in my brain are so loud and demanding that it’s hard to take in any external positive stimuli.

I want to feel like I have a purpose for going forward. I want to feel valuable. It’s just hard when I am told that I am and yet my brain makes me feel like nothing but a fraud.