fml

Oh god. I don't get it anymore. First I thought if I lost a lot of weight, and became athletic, I would have a better life. WRONG. I have never been fat but I've always wanted to skinny. I look at myself in the mirror and can't buy clothes because I hate how I look. Then, I lost a lot of weight, but got an eating disorder, and then had to go to a program. Now I wanted to try to lose fat in a healthy way but now I'm eating a lot which I don't understand and can't stop. If I were an adult, I could get a nutritionist and find the healthy way to get how I want to look but I can't because my parents will only get nutritionist to get more knowledge on how to eat healthy, but I want to lose weight. I just don't know what to do to make myself happy anymore. I am doing good in school but feel stupid. Yesterday, my science teacher had an extra credit for a test and out of her 100 students who did it, I was the only one who got it right but I don't feel like it's an accomplishment. NOT JUST THAT. I HAVE SO MUCH STRESSiNG THINGS GOING ON AND I CAN'T HAVE SOMEONE TO FREAKING TALK TO. I can't get a therapist because my mom is trying to find one but the only ones she can find are for the end of October but I need a therapist right now. I can't find online therapist because I don't like that. I can't write to anyone. I can't talk here cuz literally no one responds so w.e. . I am also mad cuz I made goals for my life, and I've made some progress on my goals but feel like I'm getting no where. I CAN'T LIVE ANYMORE. IT's just so stupud. Everyday is a cycle. A stupif cycle that keeps goijg aroud and aroound . I am So Tired of this same shit; 0fjd i can't do it. I live like a robot. I just want to be happy BVUT I HATE MY LIFE. I FEEL FAT AND UGLY AND LONELY I HAVE BARELY ANY FUCKING FRIENDS. I WANT TO BE AN ADULT SO I CAN FINALLY LEAVE AND DO THINGS THE WAY I WANT!!! IF I WANT A NUTRITIoNIST, I CAN GET IT, IF I WANT HELP in SOMETHING, I CAN GET IT. BUT IN THE END, DEEP DOWN, I know nothing will change. Adult or not, I am just going to stay like this.