current story of loneliness

yes I posted this yesterday but realized the story was kind of old so I edited it to make it more current. long, I know I really have no support system, besides a guy friend of mine also named Ryan, we'll call him Mex though. Anyways, me and Ryan kinda jumped into things very fast. He moved in with me after two weeks, but we were happy as can be. I was always weary that he was lying to me, because that's just what I've always been used to. But everything he said always added up. He was extremely supportive of everything, including my mental illnesses. we were in everything together. Ryan comes from a very rough child hood. Him & his siblings were taken away from his parents when I believe he was three. He found his mom when he was 18, and moved in with her. I actually met him because his mom was friends with a girl I am friends with. Well, his mom is basically very immature. She won't own up to any mistakes she makes(which I'll explain that later) I was taking a mixture of effexor, lamictal, and trazadone. Well, the doctor upped my lamictal which killed my sex drive. I didn't know that's what it was, so I called the doctor and told him my problem and he seriously told me 'just stop taking effexor' so I did. And it wasn't pretty. Me and Ryan started fighting A LOT, and for some stupid reason it didn't occur to me to just get back on the damn meds. (when in the end that wasn't even the pill that was doing that) Well, Ryan's dad(who he actually had just met when me and him had been dating about a month, he came up from Kentucky to see us) had a truck that he was gonna give him. Then it was taking awhile because his dad wrecked his own vehicle and needed to wait for insurance so he was driving Ryan's truck in the meantime. Well July 2 , me and Ryan were at Cedar Point having a great time. His mom works out that way so we went to see her... she suggested we go to Kentucky, she'd drive us after she got off work. For some reason I was so apprehensive about going in the middle of the night. Me and him got in a big fight, but ended up making up. The last thing I remember was him cuddling me because I had a bad dream. And then I woke up at 4am to a text from him, saying he'd be home before I knew it, and I WENT CRAZY. I blew up his phone like insane. I ruined everything. I cussed him out, even though he was being nice. I never expected him to come back on the fourth of july and tell me he was gonna stay in Kentucky for awhile. I went psychotic. A few days later he told me there was no us anymore... I lost it. He's the type who keeps his feelings all bottled up inside until he explodes. He told me I was always mean to him, which looking back, I actually was. That's how I was raised, around a lot of yelling. My parents still do that. I checked myself into the hospital. And ever since he's been in Kentucky this is how it's been- the first day I called him, he was super sweet, telling me he wanted me to come visit and hopefully move, we need to take things slow, he still loves me and always will. The next day he was pretty much a jerk. Like two different people. When I got out of the hospital, I had so many texts from him saying how sorry he was, he hates what he did to us, wants to make me happy again one day. Every few days basically he would become a different person. All of these people loved me, but some were cruel, some were sweet. One didn't want a relationship right now, one wants to be with me forever but take things one day at a time. weekend of July 26 I went to see him. It was perfect. Just like we always had been. I had the most amazing time. We were talking about me moving down there when my lease is up at the end of the year. Just simply perfect. We had some serious life talks, where we both admitted what we did wrong, he got an amazing job down there which is why I'm no longer trying to make him come back home(even though I'd love that).He saw how well I was doing now that my meds have finally settled into my body after a few weeks, I got a job, and wasn't mean. He was telling me about the struggles he'd been having, learning more about his mom neglecting him and his siblings and his father not being able to do much about it, they got taken away. Said it wasn't me that he was so angry at, it was life. His birth mother. He cut off all contact with her. (I lost all respect for that woman when she told us about how she got high, drunk, and rode roller coasters when she was pregnant with him). He stopped being in denial about his depression and anger. On my last day there he got so depressed at one point that he curled up in a ball and went to sleep. I was just talking to his dad the whole time. His dad was saying he's been trying to get Ryan to seek help. when I had to go home, of course I cried, he held me tight and said we'll see each other again, he loves me so much. And I know he meant it. The next day after I came home, things were fine too. He was upset when I called him on my lunch break, we talked for a bit and he said he wanted to be left alone for awhile. And I said okay, text me when you're feeling better. (I was working morning, he works second shift. He works full time with mandatory over time, I am just part time) He called me shortly after I got off work at 2. I was at drug mart waiting for a prescription. He asked me three different times during that conversation if I was still at work. He was upset. He was mad at his dad for telling him he was drinking too much. Which I agree, he had been. He would never drink when he lived here in Ohio. He also was never so flip floppy. He always wanted to be with me no matter what. His job wasn't paying anywhere near how much his current job is, but we were well off. He was just so upset that day, wanted to start smoking pot again, which I have no problem with, as long as he has his priorities straight. Pot doesn't bother me, what bothers me is people that put it before everything else. Which Ryan doesn't do that, so this statement is pretty much irrelevant. Anyways, he said he'll just text me. So he texted me saying he loves me, he's just pissed off at life. Texted me when I was half asleep later that night, saying he loved me and talking about work. Well, Tuesday, he hadn't texted me all day. When I got off work, he had texted me (and this didn't seem like him at all. the typing wasn't like his normal typing, neither was the wording) Basically said he wasn't attracted to me anymore and we needed to move on. Obviously I became a wreck. Went into my depressed state, ignored everyone. I guess my friend called him the next day because she hadn't heard from me. And he called me. Asked if I was okay. Said he still cared about me. He'll always love me. He just doesn't have time for a relationship. Doesn't have time for any woman because he 'works so much he doesn't have time to spend the money' (which is a phrase he made when I was up there with him and I said good with a smile so he could save up to get our own place) He said if I love him I can wait for him(he's said that before, then between one and three days later he wanted to be with me again). I asked him why did he tell me when I was in Kentucky that he didn't want me to go if he was gonna do this again? He had told me he wished I didn't have to work Monday so I could stay another night. (and when I was in Kentucky, we both promised to never do what either of us did again, never break up again) He said because he really didn't want me to leave. He has to work though, his dad said he needs to have his own place by Christmas, which he knows won't be a problem. I said okay well my lease is up December 30, so I can move with him. And then he said "I won't be ready to live with someone else for a few years. I hope you can wait for me" Now every other time this has happened, I was unstable. My meds weren't right, and I'd blow up his phone repateadly. now I've been giving him his space. He's always came to me again within a few days. I'm scared though. I know he's not a bad person. My friend Mex has multiple personalities. He came over and I told him this story more in depth, showed him the text messages, and he thinks he may have it too. Of course neither of us are doctors, so we can't say 100% for sure that he has it, but I'm scared. I don't wanna lose him for good. I struggle so much being alone with my own illnesses. I am kind of pulling a Ryan and pushing people away who care about me. Ryan doesn't have any friends. He's with his dad, stepmom, and step sister and they're good people, but I really feel like the environment is bringing out his alters(I've done A LOT of research). I'm not gonna give up. He's come a long way by admitting he was emotionally unstable, depressed, etc., but I really want him to seek help. And I'm giving him his space, which is hard. I get paranoid. Paranoid that he really doesn't love me anymore(I'm used to always being hurt) paranoid that he'll change his number and I'll never hear from him again. I've never had this sort of connection with anyone, and since day one, it has scared me. When we're together in person it's perfect just like it was when he was in Ohio. I just want him to be that guy all the time... I want him to reach out to me... this just sucks. My depression hurts. I hurt for him, too. :( we talked on the phone for hours six days after he dumped me. it's the last time I heard from him. he said the only time when I was Kentucky that he felt what he used to feel was when we were having sex. he said he kept trying to feel what he once felt. and i don't believe that. .he said he doesn't want a relationship right now blah blah blah he wants to be on his own doesn't want to be at his dad's house anymore. he wants to move out and not give anyone his address and tell his dad that he needs space. he said they got in a really bad fight. he's said he doesn't want a relationship before but always came right back to me within a few days. he said that he's gonna be staying with this girl who's 'just a friend' for a few days, he said he didn't want to tell me bc he didn't want me to tell his dad. last time he pushed me away he told me that he had slept with another woman but when I was there he looked me in the eye and told me that wasn't true. he said he was scared and said that to try and help me move on. I can't move on. he treated me so perfect when he was here and i just want that guy back. he was that guy when I went to see him. now I have feelings for mex too. after all the comforting he did I realized he had feelings for me, I asked and he admitted it. found out he got the feelings back for me the beginning of the year when I tried to comfort him about a break up. he was trying to work up the courage to tell me but then I got with Ryan and he ran out of time he said. and then he met this other girl and he has feelings for her too. he's been so sweet... the first time he tried to kiss me again I got scared. the next day we hung out I kissed him back. we started to have sex and all I could see in my head was Ryan's face. I started crying and had to stop. I apologized, said I was stupid, he apologized said no I'm not, he shouldn't have done that, and just held me and let me cry to him. I opened up to him more that night than I ever have to anyone. I've known him since 2008 and we been through quite a lot. I finally told him about the miscarriage I had in 2010 which was his baby and just kept crying. the next time I was able to have sex with him, though I still felt sad and shaky. I feel like I just can't win. I have feelings for Ryan and for mex. I feel like I'm wasting my time waiting around for Ryan because I feel like he doesn't care. and I don't want to waste my time with mex because I'm afraid he'll pick the other girl. I know, I know, I need to work on myself. but I feel so alone. I don't really have friends, and my family barely talks to me. I talk to mex and people online. that's it... any questions please ask I'm sure I left stuff out