Why continue?

I was once pretty happy when I was younger. Had quite a few friends and I would almost dare to say I was the ''popular'' guy in the group. But here I am now at 23 and just feeling I am loosing my will to continue life. All these years have been tearing really hard on me, every year I feel like I have had to fight to get through. Years filled with defeats and zero progress to my quality of life.

And it is starting to affect my work aswell. I came late today at work (again) because I simply didn't feel like getting out of bed. I find it hard to see any reason to do so. Going to work and coming back home to a messy, lonely apartment then wasting my hours at the TV and PC. I keep thinking back on the time I had a lot of friends and now I have nothing. All the friends from my younger days have partners and careers, they have somthing going for them and I have nothing left.

I hate going outside because outside is all the things I feel I can never get. People that have partners, careers, a house, a car. I look at all those people that have things going for them and I wonder: ''Why me?, Why must I get crushed''. I have always been a nice person. Always helped other people, volunteer to charities, never bullied anyone. Everytime I was out with my friends I would pay if someone had a hard time financially. I don't understand why life is giving me nothing but hardships in return. I feel like nobody has ever loved me, I have never had a girlfriend or feel like I have been close. And lately I have been wondering: ''Why bother?'' why go buy fancy clothes or fancy parfumes when it dosen't matter anyways? I think this is just my lot in life, my destiny. That I must suffer so that others can have a good and loveable life.

When I was 16-17 my friends couldn't understand why I had never had a girlfriend or had anything going with a girl. I was as I mentioned in the start kind of the ''popular'' kid. I kept joking that it would come eventually and if it didn't by the time I became 25 I might aswell kill myself. These days those very jokes haunt me. Lately when I have come home from work I have looked over at my gun cabinet and sometimes caught my self saying ''2 more years left''. I feel disheartened and feel like things are taking a toll for the seriously worse. A friend once said to me that I am just ''unlucky''. Coupled with the jokes coming back to haunt me I feel like this is how my life is to be, to have so many friends before and yet it ends alone. A predetermined fate, or destiny if you will.

I am sorry for the rant and sorry if it is the wrong place to post. I also Apologize if it is unreadable or seems very hard to understand, I myself feel like a man loosing his sanity these days. I hope everyone reading will have a way better day, week, month and year than I have had.