What do I do?

I've been depressed for about two years now for many different reasons, first bullying, then isolation, family problems,surprise health complications andso on so forth. About 7 months ago it got really bad, self harm, failed attempts of suicide, crying myself to sleep for months.I felt like emotionally running, running forever to get away from the thoughts and emotions... then it stopped.I didn't feel horrible all of the time but then againI didn't feel anything at all. It might of been the meds, or the cries for help, but either way I just felt empty. I smiled almost every day because the nightmares and the thoughts of dying stopped.

Fast forward to last month and the nightmares were back, I felt lonely and depressed always feeling anxious and on guard. The thoughts came back only much worse. People started to comment on me looking pale and tired, and they have no clue how right they are. I'm tired of everything, of pretending to be happy, of making excuses for puffy blue eyes. I'm tired of existing... I'm tired of feeling tired. I feel numb again, like I don't look happy or on the verge of crying, I look sad and empty like an abused playground that once was full of life but everyone moved on. I was running away but I wasn't fast enough, it all caught up with me only bigger. Playing tag with depression wasn't as fun as it sounded because it has the upper hand.

I don't know what to do... and I hate not knowing something.