Venting
Kind of need to vent. I feel as though no one will care but imma vent anyway.
What a lot of people don't understand about depression is first, there is no on and off switch. You can't be like 'I'm depressed, let's be happy." We can try, but it doesn't really work, at least not for me. Second, it is so exhausting. Physically exhausting. So when we are feeling at our lowest, but we still get out of bed and at least try to be productive, it's something to be proud of.
I was diagnosed with depression in high school. I used to self-injure. And I have tried to commit suicide multiple times. When I started smoking weed, it helped, a lot. I would get depressed sometimes still, but it wasn't like full on depression. That I can deal with. But I haven't smoked in a week. I feel worse than I did in high school. I can't help it. I honestly have no energy anymore to fight it. I tried. I really did. I tried my hardest. But I give up. I honestly give up. No, I don't give up on life. I just give up fighting. I give up on trying to make myself feel better when all I want to do is die. I'm tired of being strong for everyone else to make them happy. I'm tired of trying to make a better life for myself...i'm just tired.
People always tell me 'i'm here if you need to talk.' Or 'things will get better.' Yeah, a lot of people are there if I need to talk, that's what ears are for. But I don't always need to have someone to talk to. Tell me you're proud of me. Tell me i've come a long way. Tell me you've noticed a change in me for the better. And will things really get better? Do you know that for a fact? Telling someone 'it will get better' is giving them false hope. And that's worse than not having hope at all. And to be honest, you don't even have to tell me you're proud of me or any of that. Just check up on me. Just don't talk to me only when you know i'm upset or feeling some type of way. That's why I only think of myself as having 2 friends. Because they are there for me through the good and bad. Everyone else is only there for me through the bad.
So me venting is just to try and stop my heart from breaking. I don't need anyone else to break my heart, I do that perfectly fine myself.
@brightNorth1873
I know exactly what you mean when you say there's no on and off switch. I actually had a huge fight with someone very close to me a few days ago (now have stopped talking mutually) because they kept saying "Don't be sad", "don't be so stressed out", and things like that. I tried to explain to them how that's the same thing as telling someone with cancer to stop having cancer.
Then, they started telling me how cancer is totally different because that's a "real thing" and you can actually see the physical symptoms. Apparently, they think depression isn't a real thing and it's something that pharmaceutical companies made up to make money.
Because things were getting way too intense even to a level where it was becoming very unhealthy in terms of my mental health, I suggested going to a therapy together so that there's a third person neutrally guiding us through this discussion. But they were arguing that a therapist/phychologist can't be possibly neutral because they are the ones who get to keep their jobs by diagnosing people with depression and other unreal mental illnesses.
It's so frustrating and I don't know what to do.
