Vent: I'm Beyond Gross [TW heavy sex mentions]

I'm hypersexual. I'm hypersexual and self-loathing for it. I feel beyond gross for being hypersexual. Not because I dare have impure thoughts before I reach the magical age of 18 where I can finally stop being dehumanized, but because those impure thoughts consume and control me. Almost all I think about on a day to day basis revolves around sex. Many of the fantasies aren't even arousing or exciting anymore.

It's controlled my life and warped me into a gross, perverted shell of the girl I used to be. I can't form new friendships without the underlying hope that it goes a little further, but not too far as I have to commit. God knows I can't make friends anyways considering what a social shut-in I am. I'm almost furious I'm still a virgin considering my attempts at making myself attractive to my classmates. Most people don't even have much deeper value to me than how attractive they are and what they can bring to my still empty bed.

I've become a disgusting pervert and part of me wants to just lobotomise or spay myself to make it stop. I wish I could go back in time and spay my younger self just for a shot at a normal life.