Trying To Get Better -

For the last “since I can remember” - probably since I was 14 or so, I have been diagnosed with severe bipolar depression, anxiety and personality disorder. For a while, when I was younger, I was locked in multiple psych wards and hospitalized for long periods of time because of my suicide attempts and/or panic attacks as my mom would say.

I don’t WANT to be morbidly down all the time. I don’t WANT to hate my life. I guess I have a lot others would be grateful for. I have a beautiful 5 year old son, I have my significant other I’ve been with about 4 years now. I have certain members of my family in my life still.

When it comes to my family, my mom sisters and I, we are just now starting to get close. My mom was on drugs growing up. I was in foster care a lot. I ran away a lot and I had my baby at 16 years old. I practically raised my other siblings growing up, so I never had a regular childhood. My mom was abused and I was assaulted by my stepdad multiple times over the course of the years. I guess because I’m 22, people expect me to just move on and let go now.

i don’t hate my mom. I don’t hate anyone. I hate the way my life turned out because of the actions of them. I hate the way I hate myself and am insecure about EVERYTHING that has to do with myself because they destroyed me. I am always finding myself sad, hurting or looking in the mirror at myself as if I’m a disgusting POS.

I find myself questioning my relationship and whether or not my partner really loves me because I feel like I am ugly and I feel like I am good for nothing. I can’t trust my partner and always feel like he may be cheating on me.

I have severe social anxiety so I have NO friends. I haven’t been out and actually had FUN in over a year.

I am ALWAYS around my son minus the couple days I may get for relief, but when I am around my son, even though I absolutely ADORE him. I am exhausted, I feel drained and I feel like he would be so much better off without me because I feel like such an awful mom.

Then there are the times when my son stresses me out and I can’t take it. I have a significant other, but he’s not the father biologically of my son. My son can be a huge handful. He’s 5. He is VERY literate and competent for a 5 year old. So his tantrums are much worse. He will beg and plead for things I cannot afford and give me hell when he does not get them. He will hit me and get mad at me and say awful things no 5 year old should say. He is very very hard to manage and he always has a lot of energy… which is hard for a mom struggling with depression who is also very, very exhausted 90% of the time.

I just wish I could feel better so I could handle life better. I just feel like I suck at managing my stress and I just wanna be a good mom and it’s hard. I don’t know how to get better.