Too much

@Packita

"I am 31 and I consider myself a failure. I have a masters but no jobs. Never amounted to anything. I'm in the same place I was 6 years ago when I had first finished with university. I don't know what I want in life or how to get start my life and I don't even know if I want to anymore. I live in a country I hate and that hates me (very long story) and the thought of having to spend the rest of my life here, puts me in a state of constant depression. "

-I think you're living with very unrealistic expectations, and you're demanding alot from yourself. Most people who graduate struggle ALOT to find a job. Even when they find one usually doesn't last very long. We're taught the theory but not the practical side , so is hard to fit in society. And since most people nowdays have an education, the competition is harder.

-About your country, it isn't a definitive thing. When eventually you're more free, you can change countries. Choose a country of your liking and work there for like a year. Is a way to experiment and meet new people. Is also an easy way to find a job. You don't have to live in a place where you don't feel happy.

"I am very close to my dad but saddly he is currently dying of ALS (Amniotropic Lateral Sclerosis). He is very weak and miserable and it breaks my heart ever second to see him this way and not be able to do anything. I know he wants to die so he could stop suffering but I also want him to die so he (and I) would stop suffering. My mum and I are the ones taking care of him 24/7 and it is mentally and physically exhausting."

-Completly understandable. As someone who also took care of someone in a similar situation, I totally get it. I see nothing wrong here. Your feelings are 100% valid. You're already doing your best and helping out.

-The best thing to do is help your dad out, so when it's his time he can go with the less possible ammount of pain, and can somehow be confortable.

"My older brother is recently married and today, he announced us that he and his wife are pregnant. I know everyone must think that this is a good thing and I guess it is. I am happy for them, because I love them and I love that they are happy, but I don't like children. I never have. So I am dreading having to interact with my future niece or nephew."

-No one is telling you to like children. Just because you don't like them, doesn't mean you can't be happy for your brother. Is a big accomplishment in his life, so try to support him. People have different perspectives in what is happy or not for them. You can have a different view but support his.

-No one is also forcing you to interact with their child. It's his child , not yours. Although you're family is normal that not everyone knows how to handle kids.

The worse part is that I am not allowed to feel the panic attacks. I can't add any more stress on my mum and dad, given their situation and also I can't tell my brother that this news is not a happy news for me personally, that it is a stress and a burden that I did not need and do not want.

- About this and overal feeling tired, when you feel that you have alot in your plate, anxiety will kick in. However it seems you have a very negative view of everything you mentioned. In your dad's situation I understand how you can feel drained, anxious, and emotionally broken. But on the kids part and job part, is not definitive. It's something you can live with, but is not black and white. You can avoid the kid, or just smile at the child but not interact. And jobs eventually come.

"You can't live in such a dark perspective. The only thing that doesn't have a solution is death. Everything else can change or copped with, you just have to find what's best for you."

If you think that moving to a new place will make you happy, do it. If you feel that staying away from the kid will help, do it.

Just don't give up.