Thoughts From Thursday Night

I am so tired of not being enough.

I'm good enough to talk to for a bit and suddenly never again, enough to briefly entertain, to fuck or have "fun" with. But not enough, not good enough, for anything more than that. I'm not this social, crazy, outgoing girl. I am not dainty and in need of saving. I am not small and fragile looking. I never have been. That's not what life allowed me to be. I have been broken and alone so I had to pull myself up, I had to save myself. I have been called "stocky" and "sturdy", "big-boned", too much. The people that called me those names must not have known how much they would stick with a 12-14 year old girl who had always felt bigger than other girls. To this day, years later, I look in the mirror and I see stocky and sturdy. Not anyone's type. Not what they want.

I am so fucking tired of being left on delivered or read because they got bored of me. It always happens eventually. Becuase I am not this girl that goes out every night, the girl that is happy-go-lucky, fun to be around or an extended period of time, a girl that doesn't have to constantly fight herself. I have through shit and came out, but I came out with scars, wounds that many years later still hurt to touch and new ones that come out of nowhere that I had no idea I had. So yeah, I'm closed off, quiet, and for some dumb reason, I have become intimidating. That's usually peoples first impression - intimidating. I don't understand why.

I feel... like I am not going to find a guy that can handle my issues and stick with me while I work through them. That is okay with the fact that going out and partying isn't a big thing to me, sure it's fun but it's not huge. I have goals and aspirations that aren't going to drop out of the sky for me. The things I want to do, to be, doesn't really allow for me to slack off, so not I am not always able to go out even when I want to. I want someone who understands me. The one that I don't let out very often. I want someone who isn't looking for just a bit of entertainment for when they're bored and once they've had their fun, leave.

I want someone who sees all the things that I hate about myself and loves them enough that it makes it a bit harder to hate them

But I don't know or think I'll find a man like that because I am, all at once, too much and not enough